Scattered Showers

Sorry about the delay in updates. Gar somehow managed to drop my laptop down the stairs....I think he was trying to use it to show Wally something. But let's get back to where I was. This entry's going to be a bit lengthier than usual on account I ...well, want to get caught up to current day. Plain and simple. --I'm still not going to dump everything at once on you, but the blogs will be longer than usual.

When we returned on the 9th of May, something was definitely...different. On the surface it didn't seem so, but. It was. Roy still didn't look at us much when we spoke to him. He still seemed to be feeling completely miserable. But. On top of that physical misery, I could see something else in him. ...through the 9th and the 10th, I could tell he wasn't really listening to us--like usual--but...he was still processing something...and whatever it was, it was keeping him completely silent. It was like he had shut down again, save for whatever kept running through his mind. I pulled Dinah aside just before Gar and I left one day and asked her how he's been while we're not there. She said he's been very, very moody...most of which, obviously, are negative emotions. Ranging from an easier-than-usual triggered temper to moments when he'll lock himself in his room for hours on end to keep anyone from seeing him. She assured me that she checked his room regularly for any hidden heroin, but he's been clean since we found the last stash. The withdrawl's just been especially hard on him...it had, after all, been just over two weeks since his last dosage. And on top of that, now there's whatever's been going through his head.

On the 13th, my curiosity and...honest growing concern got the best of me. Gar and I were wrapping up our talk-fest, which...surprisingly had gotten easier...and I found myself asking Gar to go ahead and get the car from the parking lot and drive it to the front of the complex. I'd be down in a second. He looked confused for a second but took the keys and left without question. Once the door was closed behind him, I turned back to the couch. Roy hadn't moved from his position yet and he still looked completely lost in his thoughts. It took a few seconds for my legs to listen to my brain, but, I got myself to slowly walk to the place behind the couch just behind him. It took another few seconds to actually speak up, but, I managed that, too. I asked him if he was doing alright, considering he hadn't insulted me in the past three days. He didn't say anything, just kind of looked at me from the corner of his eye. Then looked away. Most of me wanted to just accept that he wasn't going to talk and just walk away and go home...but I found myself doing quite the opposite. Instead, I told him that I was just asking because I was concerned. When he didn't budge or answer again, I felt a sinking feeling that I really had messed things up the other day when I mentioned Wally to him. Maybe he'd felt pressured or exposed when I threw in what Wally had said about calling him. Crap. Without really thinking, I apologized for ever bringing Wally up to him and turned to leave.

"...I called Wally."

I froze in my tracks, hand almost on the doorknob. ....I hadn't expected him to speak up at all, let alone say...that...

"...you did?" I asked, turning my head a little to look back at him. He didn't move for a few seconds, but then nodded slowly. I allowed myself to turn all the way back around, sliding my hand away from the knob. "..and?"

"I let him know I was alright."

"Oh. ...That's good..."

And cue awkward silence. He went quiet again and I debated whether or not to press for more. "...he's really worried about you, you know."

He ducked his head, but didn't say anything. So I went on. "...are you really alright, though, Roy? ...you've looked really...spaced out the past few days."

"Yeah, I'm fucking fantastic."

"...sorry, I just--"

"You know, Raven," he stood up suddenly, turning to face me and managing to stop himself from wobbling at the quick movement. "A month ago, you didn't give a rat's ass if I was 'alright'. And I wouldn't be surprised if you still don't now--you're just doing your 'occupational duty'."

"What--no! I--"

"Just go already." He threw an arm out and quickly moved towards the back hall. "I'm done."

...to be honest, I found myself glued to the spot for nearly a minute. I wasn't sure what to say or how, exactly, to react to him. There was a part of me that wanted to march after him and correct him, but by now I had learned that that got me nowhere but in a deeper hole. So, instead, I just swallowed that down and forced myself out the door and down the apartment stairs. Gar had the car pulled up and was sitting in the passenger's seat with a grinning face, that, I unfortunately sank the moment he saw me stomping down the stairs.

Upon getting home, I did something I probably should have done weeks ago.

I found Alfred and pulled him away from cleaning the library to talk to him. It took some work, but I managed to generalize the situation enough but keep it specific so I'd hopefully get some form of a solution out of it. If that makes any sense. I explained to him that someone I knew was struggling with a drug addiction and no matter what I try, it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. He asked me if I had tried researching the drug responsible ...and I felt like an idiot when I responded with a few slow blinks and a shake of my head. He simply smiled, patted my hand and offered to make me a cup of tea before leaving the room. ...and I immediately traced my steps back to the library.

...I've got to find a way to catch up. It's already October 3rd and I'm still telling you guys what happened back in May. I'm going to try to keep updating regularly, but, Gotham gets a bit ...crazy. Crazier. This time of year. Just try guessing why.

Rain

So I'm going to go ahead and put it on the table--if you haven't figured it out already--that I'm not very good with people.

The next several days were possibly some of the most awkward and uncomfortable days I've ever experienced. Have you ever tried holding a conversation when you have absolutely no idea what to talk about? Yeah. Pretty freaking awkward.

May 3rd was terrible. Gar talked for the first half of the day and then suddenly looked at me after he finished his third story. It took a good several seconds for me to realize that he wanted me to take a turn talking for once. To make things worse, I caught Roy peering at me through the corner of his eyes when I stammered for something to talk about. I decided to take Gar's route and try talking about what I did earlier that day. ....God, I hated it.

The next day wasn't much better. Gar, once again, more or less forced me to get involved in the story-telling and I tried talking about some of the new horses we have at the barn...which, was a little easier if not just because I could drone on and on about my horses for hours, regardless if anyone's honestly listening to me or not. ...however...

By the 7th, the end of the week, Dinah said she wanted to spend some time with Roy on Saturday. That maybe getting him out of the apartment for a while would ease the withdrawl symptoms. So we didn't visit. Instead, I wound up doing some extra work with Cyborg in the Titans West Tower to make sure the new additions to the security systems were up and running. And that's when he showed up.

I was carrying some various hardware to the computer when out of the usual blue, Wally's suddenly all of 4 inches from my face asking me what I'm doing. Despite that I should be used to this by now, I still sprang backwards, just about tripped on my cape and full-on landed on the hardware boxes...if he hadn't caught me. The save came with a complementary eyebrow waggle and wide grin...cocky speedsters.

After he'd gotten his answer from me, he followed me down the hall and surprisingly didn't beat around the bush about his next question. He wanted to know if I had seen Roy recently. He hadn't spoken to him for a long time and Roy wasn't answering his phone and he was getting really worried, because none of their other friends had seen high or tail of him, either. I didn't really know what to say, because I was pretty sure Roy didn't want...anyone else knowing about what was going on. But Wally deserved some kind of solid, truthful answer...they were close friends from what I had always observed.

I told him yes, I knew where Roy was, but I couldn't tell him. That he was going through a rough patch and wanted to be left alone...but that he was safe and hopefully would be back soon. This, understandably, worried Wally...but thankfully he seemed to accept what I'd said. ...he probably understands Roy better than I do and knows this might be normal behavior for him? I don't know.

Either way, he made me promise to tell Roy he was sorry for whatever was going on and that he misses him and hopes he gets through it. And that he has his number if he needs another person to talk to.

...the next day, I repeated the it to Roy just before Gar and I left. He didn't react at first, but...midway through redelivering the message, he looked at me. Maybe I was just seeing things or looking too hard for something, but...I could have sworn I saw his eyes cloud slightly. I waited for him to respond with something snarky like he usually does when I try talking to him, but he just sort of nodded and stood up, teetering into the hall.

...I couldn't stop thinking about it. Had I just made things worse, again? ...crap.

"Cloudy, with a Chance of ..."

The morning of May 2nd was probably one of the most unnerving mornings I had had in a while. I remember waking up and being drained of thought for a few minutes. I couldn't remember when I had fallen asleep. I couldn't remember what had last happened in the book I had fallen asleep reading--or if I had even been reading at all. And I couldn't remember what had happened the previous day. It took a moment for the sack of bricks to hit me. And the second it did, it felt like my heart skipped a beat all together.

I had kicked down a big barrier yesterday. And today, I was going to have to face the opposing side without it.

Cue the "oh crap" chorus.

Breakfast didn't exactly help, much. I must have been even the slightest off key because Bruce suddenly brought down the "what's wrong?" hammer. I'm not sure how I managed to weasel out with a simple "nothing, I'm just tired"...maybe he just wasn't in the mood to argue with me over anything. Or maybe he just didn't have the energy to question me back. I don't know. Either way, that was weight enough off my shoulders.

...Roy threw it right back on when he was the one who answered the door instead of Dinah.

It threw me off guard. Of course. That's probably what he wanted to do. I probably looked like a complete idiot standing there with my mouth open while Gar threw his arms up and expressed his excitement that Roy had, well, bothered answering the door.

...'bothered'....

The visit was the same, but different, all at once. The tension that had always seemed to float around the room was still there, but it wasn't anything like it had been. Instead of constantly staring off into space while Gar was talking, sometimes Roy would look at us. At me. Then resume staring off. It was always just a turn of the eyes; he never moved or tilted his head. He seemed more focused instead of blatantly ignoring us. I don't know which I preferred more.

As the day wrapped up, the usual speaking points remained; Gar did all the talking while Roy and I remained silent as mice. It wasn't until Gar closed up his story and saluted Roy a good day as we stood to make our exit that Harper suddenly turned his head, looking in my direction but not making eye contact.

He bluntly asked if I meant what I said yesterday. It took a second, but I nodded and said that I had. He stared at me for another moment before snorting and looking away. As if bringing the subject back up hadn't made me go tense enough; I immediately fired a sharp "what?" at him. He shortly replied "just leave", and before I could say anything back, Gar had my arm and was dragging me for the door. ...probably for the best.

...but it continued to eat at me on the drive home. I couldn't stop analyzing the scene in my head, trying to remember every movement and twitch of an expression on his face when he had received my answer. What the heck did that head-shake mean? ...I didn't expect him to believe me, I guess, but. I don't know. It was getting under my skin. To the point that I found myself asking Gar what he thought about it. Gar already seemed to have a better grasp on this entire situation than I did. I wonder if that's just him and his people talents or the simple fact that he's got some animalistic 6th sense that was part of his power-package deal.

Either way, I still got the "obviously" look after I asked him.

"You didn't change anything today, Casper," he replied simply. "Yeah, you said you were sorry yesterday. And I know that's a big step for you and all, but...he needs more than that. You didn't treat him any different. You didn't talk to him--dude, you hardly even looked at him. ...I thought you of all people would know that you can't just go around saying things...y'gotta do them, too..."

...needless to say, that more or less shut me up for the rest of the drive home.

When Gar's right, he ...couldn't be more right. Sometimes it can be unsettling. Especially when you're resistant to what is...well, right. ...this process was going to have to be a two person job. Roy wasn't going to get any better if I didn't start contributing more than the minimum. His faith in anyone--let alone himself--had pretty much taken a nose dive. ...tomorrow was a new day and another chance to try turning that around...for real, this time...

No Signs of Letting Up

Picking this up once more.

So, back to May 1st. April had been a rough month, it goes far without saying. I remember one of my first thoughts getting up that morning was the cliche of "new month, new start" or something of the sort. And it was off to an okay start... no reporters on our doorstep. Bruce was in a relatively decent mood. And school went smooth, all things considered. Delahni already finished the first half of her final project for AP Art. As usual it was absolutely breath-taking and, as usual, Jordan was busy trying to find the best way to photograph it for documentation or...something.

I waited around for Gar before we headed to Dinah's. And...suddenly I felt....--I don't want to say 'scared', necessarily, but, it was weird. I was definitely nervous, I don't know what of. The worst he could do was.......overdose. ................

I don't remember most of the drive. I just remember that the moment Dinah opened the door my mouth went dry. ...I'm not good at apologizing. I never have been. I guess it's because a good chunk of the time I don't think I have a reason to apologize. So when I actually do have a reason, getting off my high horse is...intimidating. I kind of like it up there.

Especially when it comes to apologizing to someone I don't think deserves it...

Gar did his usual thing. Chattering and going on about his day. Roy didn't say anything...he was in a worse mood than he had been the past week. I guess I don't blame him since his withdrawl had undoubtedly worsened over the past two days. He looked like a wreck. A very angry wreck.

All the while Gar talked, I just sat there in my chair, picking at my nail-polish and keeping my eyes focused on anything that wasn't breathing. I couldn't hear anything Gar was saying; all I could think about was what I was going to say. And I had to say it before the two of us left. How was I going to start it? Should I just come out and say it and leave before he has the chance to respond? Should I beat around the bush at the risk of him getting irritated and we get in an argument all over again? ...I didn't want to screw the situation over further than I had already managed to do...or thought I had. Or...uhgh.

Unfortunately, instead of time crawling by like it usually does, it decided to make like a cheetah and sprint. The next thing I knew, Gar was standing up and starting to dismiss us. Now my mind started going a mile a minute as I absently stood up, letting him grab my hand and tug me away from the couch. Crap, say something. Gar called a good-bye over his shoulder to which Roy just snorted at. Say something. I remember him tugging the door open and immediately whipping myself around to face the living room again.

I'm pretty sure I blurted out "I'm sorry I yelled at you" like some panicked person. Roy actually turned his head to look back at me...I couldn't read his expression very well, but I'd say it was..confused. I remember opening my mouth to try explaining myself, but... I suddenly realized I had no control over this situation anymore. I had not only stepped off my horse, but let it run away. No amount of explaining could bring it back. The realization brought my brain to a stop and I could feel myself heating up again.

It was at that point I gave into the primal instinct of "flight or fight" and all but ran out of the apartment. I dove into the car and drove for the manor as quickly as I legally could. Half-way home I realized that I had left Gar behind in my rush to escape the sudden rush of vulnerability. Half of me felt horrible and almost backtracked to get him, but I remembered that he could easily fly back and...settled on that.

...I remember spending the rest of the evening over-thinking everything. Wondering if I should go back or not. Wondering if I actually had been a source of his problems. Wondering what the heck was going through his mind at this very moment. Then I'd kick myself for being so anxious over everything. It was ridiculous, why was I so worried? I never gave a crap over what he thought about me before. ...but, then again, I've...never apologized to him before--for anything. Even when I'd be wrong back on missions we'd be on together, I never admitted it...never wanted to give him the satisfaction. ...

Once again, I think I've explained enough for one day. I'll get back to you.

When it Rains, it Pours

So, where was I the other night? Oh yeah. Roy's change in moods.

Alright, nearly a week after I showed my face on Dinah's doorstep--putting us on April 28th--Gar and I came by again. Dinah wasn't home, but she had left us a note on the doormat telling us to find the key and let ourselves in (we're Phantom and Beast Boy, wasn't that hard) and the time she'd be getting back. There were also strict instructions to continue taking it easy on Harper, which...I'm sure were more written for me rather than Gar. We let ourselves in and were immediately slapped by one of the most unnerving things you'll ever find in a household.

Absolute silence.

I don't care where you live or how many people you live with. There's something eerie about entering a completely quiet house; especially when someone is supposed to be there. No television background sound. No radio or music playing. No sounds of rummaging through food in the kitchen. No water running. It's just as bad as hearing things when no one is supposed to be there. And stepping into that apartment to the soul sound of the door swinging open made my body go still. I even instinctualy held my breath to try hearing something.

Gar and I quickly moved through the first half of the apartment, searching the kitchen area and the living room before moving down the hall. That's when the smell hit me. And all I could think was: God, not again, he can't be serious.

But. He was. No sooner had we shoved the door open, had he tried shoving a drawer in his desk shut. Yeah, Harper. That's going to work. That's really going to work.

...I won't go into much detail on what happened next. If not mostly because it was 90% yelling, 5% moving around the room and 5% freaking out when he almost passed out on us. We moved him to the couch, called Dinah and searched his room like it was a crime scene. I don't know HOW he managed to keep another stash of the poison hidden, but...then again, when you work in this business, it IS possible to learn from the people you're hunting, busting and putting behind bars. And considering he GOT the crap from one of those people, well.

Dinah got back and we left almost immediately. I think she might have taken him to the hospital. I don't know. After his near pass-out he seemed...alright. But honestly I wasn't really paying attention to that...I was too angry.

Over the next two days, all I could think about was that he went back to it. I couldn't believe he went back to it. Here I thought he was making some kind of process, but no. ...and ..then it hit me. He probably HAD been making progress...and then I yelled at him. Told him that I wished I had left him back there. He wasn't worth the strain right now and I had more important things to be dealing with than him.

And I'd said that after Ollie had literally punched him out of the house. After he'd more or less given up on himself and Gar and I had basically made ourselves his only support. After I had promised him I'd help him fight his way out of this. And after God knows what caused him to get addicted to the stuff in the first place.

...God, I felt like such an idiot. ..idiot putting it lightly. Very lightly. I wasn't helping Roy with his addiction; if anything I was giving him all the more reason to give into it. Nice, Raven. Real nice...

The next day, I stopped Gar from leaving the manor and told him we needed to visit Roy and Dinah again. ...it was about time I apologized...sincerely.

.... I think that's enough for one night. I'll get back to you guys tomorrow.

Storm Front

I apologize for not having posted anything in...God, two months. A whole two months. Possibly longer, I've been really bad at keeping track of things, but, you don't need me to tell you that. Things have been, for a lack of a better word, 'chaotic'. Although, when living a life like mine, what more can you expect...I guess.

Anyway...I don't even know where to begin. "At the beginning" comes to mind first, but, I don't even know where THAT beginning is. ...I guess I could just pick up where I left off, but even that seems incredibly and unnecessarily difficult to explain. ...geeze.

I'll do my best. ...--and I'm not going to dump everything that happened over the past few months into one post. No, I'll be breaking it up over the course of the next few days...so, I guess I'll just write until I think I've reached a decent stopping point.

On April 22nd, two days after my last post, I finally did go with Gar to check on Roy. So, that'd put six days between that day and the last time I saw him. Almost a week...admittedly it felt like a lot longer. It was ...frankly a bit embarrassing, showing up on Dinah's doorstep at last. I don't know if she really thought anything of it, but hopefully she couldn't see the heat I felt rush to my face.

Seeing Roy again was another flood of that entirely.

He was sitting on the couch watching TV when we walked in. The moment he saw me, it was like his blood went cold. And not in fearful way as the phrase usually describes...in a hostile way. I could see it flash through his eyes clear as crystal. ....we were off to a good start.

Gar did almost all the talking. He dragged me into the living room and sat me down in the arm chair, sitting himself on the coffee table that was both in front and between us. Then he started talking about his day and all the things he'd done, but, to be honest I ...kind of tuned him out. I was too busy trying to read Roy, or make eye contact with him or ...something. But he wouldn't look away from the TV. Wouldn't acknowledge us. It was all I could do to keep from fidgeting with something. I don't know HOW Gar just barrels through the awkwardness and tension, but he does it well. I'd never realized how jealous of that I was until this moment.

We got through the visit. I didn't say anything and Roy didn't say anything. I think Dinah just kind of loomed around the kitchen for most of the time, but, I knew she was eavesdropping. ...who wouldn't be? ... but. It finally got to late enough for us to leave and I guess Gar ran out of stories. ...amazing, I know. Um.

The car ride home was silent for a long time. For a while all I could think about was how relieved I was to be free of that room, that tension and the soup-thick awkwardness of it all. ...I didn't notice until I had to take a right turn that Gar had been giving me an unusual steady stare...

I asked him what it was and he bluntly stated that I never apologized. It took a moment for the sentence to register before I was able to stutter out a short "...so?". Probably shouldn't have said that.

He just shook his head and looked away from me. Almost immediately, that tension from before returned and the rest of the drive home was a complete deja vu from the afternoon six days ago. We got back to the mansion and went our separate ways.

The next few days didn't go much differently. We'd show up and Roy'd be about as lively as a corpse. But almost a week later, we ...found out a good chunk of the reason why.

...and I hate to be a tease about that, but, I think this entry's gone long enough. I'll fill you in tomorrow.

Thinking

So it's been four days since I ripped Roy's ear off. ...I haven't gone back to Dinah's place since. I know Gar has.

Gar and I are still kind of...it's difficult to explain? We're talking again and 'hanging out' and going about our usual day and week routine, it seems, but... I can tell he's upset with me. He wants me to go apologize to Roy, it goes without him saying. It also goes without saying that...I really don't want to. I still feel like I really don't have a reason to apologize to him.

...but I also still feel just...awful about it.

The more I think about the things I said, the condition he's in... the brief expression on his face after I went silent. The worse I feel. The stubborn, mule-headed side of me just does not want to apologize to him, but, all the same...

I don't really know what to do at this point. Gar would probably make some sort of "Boulder is conflicted" joke if I brought this up to him.

Chances are I'll probably end up apologizing to him regardless of what I want or how I feel. That's how these things tend to go with me, went with me. ....ugh, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Gar's getting back from some Tower duty later tonight, sometime after dinner. I guess I'll get him to come with me and we'll head down and check on Dinah and Roy.

In the mean time, I've got to get back to working. Roxanne's about to give a presentation on some new upgrade to the alloy and I've got to be in the conference room with Bruce before the heads of other departments get there so we can meet and greet. I'm going to need to get some coffee on my way down there...haven't had any in two days and I think I'm starting to get a headache.

That went well

I'm really not good at this...really. At all.

To keep a long story short for those of you who don't care: Roy and I got in a fight.

...I know that's old news, but this one was bad. ....really bad. Especially considering the circumstances.

To move onto the long story, well.

It started out like it normally does when Gar and I go to check in on him and Dinah. We get there. The place is quiet. Roy's lying across the living room couch with a wet towel on his forehead and Dinah's kind of doing her own thing around the apartment. Gar scurries around putting up with Roy's sass and getting him things he wants. And I kind of linger in the background and get updates from Dinah on his condition, if he's talked to her about anything, so on and so forth. It all seemed perfectly tense and forced like it normally is.

And then, Hell gradually broke loose.

I'm honestly not sure what started it, but I was drawn into the living room when Roy started yelling at Gar. Of course, I wasn't about to let Gar take that crap, so, I started yelling back. And before I knew it, we were face to face, just...screaming at each other. I was on such an adrenaline....rage that I hardly even remember what we were yelling about. I know I 'asked' him what his problem was. I don't remember what he fired back at me. But...

....ugh, the more I think about it, the more I could just...kick myself...because...

I flat out told him I wished I'd left him back there. ....that he isn't worth the strain right now, and I have better, more important things I should be focusing my attention on. ...and other things, too, I'm sure...

...oh God, I ...it shut him up. Almost immediately. ...and the room was quiet long enough for me to actually register what I had just spat at him. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to say something else to fix it, but I couldn't--in the back of my mind, I just couldn't. ...and we just stared at each other. ...I could feel Dinah and Gar staring at us, too.

And then he told me, fine. He never wanted to be 'rescued' to begin with. Why the hell did I think he had ran that far away from 'home'. He was going to say something else, but he threw up mid sentence...and then ran back into the guest room and slammed the door shut with so much force I was surprised it didn't just fly off it's hinges.

Dinah, pretty needless to say, had us leave. The drive back to the manor was...miserable. Gar and I didn't speak to each other. We hardly looked at each other. And...we still haven't spoken to each other since. I know we've both purposely been 'missing' each other as we walk around the manor. And I know that page he got from the Titans before dinner was probably significantly less important than he made it sound.

It's 1:10am now and all this happened shortly after school, so...around 5. ...it's been a long time since Gar and I have avoided each other, and...for that alone, I feel absolutely terrible and stupid.

What's worse, is I just can't bring myself to apologize to Roy. ...I just can't. ...does he even deserve it? After how he's treated us--me--the past year or whatever. Especially now that we're actually giving a darn if he kills himself with overdose or not? Maybe that was the slap in the face he needed, maybe I did the right thing biting his head off and kicking his ungrateful tail into some form of reality.

...or maybe I just made things that much more worse...

.......I don't know.... I just...I need more time to settle down, to ease my mind... I need to get away from this and just...just think.... maybe I'll take Khon out to the back pasture for a ride first thing in the morning..... I need someone to talk to who won't argue back.

Rough

Possibly the most appropriate word for not only the past several days, but the road that lies ahead.

For starters, the obvious: Roy.

Swear to Hera, he is impossible. Some part of me wishes I could get into his brain to attempt understanding where he is coming from, but the rest of me honestly wonders why I'm wasting my time, energy and emotions on him. Because, I really don't have enough of that to go around right now. At all. I'm sick of the media still crawling around Jason's death. I'm sick of the drama going around the various Titans Towers. And I'm sick of his ungrateful, cynical attitude towards Gar and myself for pulling his butt off the streets and getting him to someone who cares.

And what's worse? I feel like I'm having to keep this from Bruce. He doesn't like Harper enough as it is, either...and I don't know. He hasn't asked. I haven't told him. ...end of story, really. Though, as usual, I get the feeling he already sort of knows. He is friends with Oliver, after all.

But because of all this mess, I completely forgot about Alfred's birthday. I felt terrible--feel terrible--about coming back to the manor on Friday and walking right past him with hardly a "Hi, Alfred" and not realizing it until he had sent me off to work with my coffee and a homemade breakfast the next morning. I just.... I couldn't apologize to him enough. He, of course, told me not to worry and understood that I "have a lot weighing on my shoulders for a girl my age", but...really. I shouldn't have forgotten your birthday, Al. I don't have an excuse.

..anyway, Roy's road to recovery isn't exactly going well. Dinah says he won't talk to her, won't tell her what caused him to start using heroin. Typical.

When I try talking to him, we almost always wind up fighting. Stating the obvious, neither of us WANT to talk to each other to begin with, so...things are already hostile the moment I open my mouth. When Gar tries talking to him, he just starts to ignore him. I keep finding myself annoyed that Gar keeps talking anyway...--not annoyed at Gar, annoyed that Roy's completely blowing him off. Roy can chew me out, ignore me all he wants, but, Gar wants to see you get better almost more than Dinah does, Harper.

...although, I guess to Harper's 'credit', breaking away from heroin isn't exactly a walk in the park. He's been throwing up a lot, suffering headaches and just body-aches in general. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. And just...a lot of other crap. I've researched the everliving daylights out of heroin withdrawal to try leveling with what his body's going through, but, I still just...can't bring myself to being emotionally at level with him. I AM trying, I swear, but...ugh, we always end up arguing and storming away from each other. And two days ago, it didn't go well at all because apparently he had more hidden and Dinah caught him with it. Conveniently after Gar and I had just gotten there.

I probably shouldn't have yelled at him. I keep thinking back on it and feeling bad, but...just... why doesn't he understand that we're trying to help him? We're trying to save him. I don't get why he doesn't just...

I don't know. I give up for the night.

We double-checked him and all his stuff and now he's 100% clean. And because of that, withdrawal's going to be all the more fun since he's been 'refreshing' himself up until now.

Ooh, happy-day.

I can't believe this

I can't. No, I just....I can't. I can't believe this, I have never been so...--outright dumbfounded. Ever. Not just with someone else, but, with myself. What am I even thinking right now?

...ugh. I guess I need to explain not only what's going on, but what's been going on, don't I? Since I haven't updated you guys in nearly a month's time. Alright, less than, but still.

About two nights ago, Gar and I were out on a patrol together, which we don't get to do often anymore. We were just about to wrap it up for dawn, when Gar stopped me and pointed out something--or rather someone--in an alley just below us. We inspected it further only to discover...it was Roy. You're probably wondering why this is such a big deal. WELL.

For starters, I haven't been mentioning this because I haven't found it important since--you know--we're super heroes and we get injured fairly often and frankly, it hasn't COMPLETELY been my concern. But. Roy's been in and out of the hospital off and on for a while. I think he's been in...three times? Sure. Not for very long, but, always immediate and without warning. I'd like to think he's just being reckless--especially with his attitude lately. ....but.

He's addicted to heroin.

...YEAH. I couldn't believe it. I really just...wow. I STILL don't have any words that could comprehend what was--is--going through my brain right now. Does he realize what he's doing?! Not only is it illegal, but, hello! It's one of the most addictive drugs out there, extremely hard to get out of your system, and DANGEROUS. What was he thinking?

That's just it, though. Clearly, he wasn't.

I could have just left him there in that alley. Heck, Ollie did. Oliver's the reason he was IN that alley--Ollie threw him out of the house. Roy even had a black eye from where Ollie punched him...they must have had some fight. ...and I almost did leave him out there. But, Gar was conveniently with me. ...and, Gar wouldn't leave him back there. When I started to walk away, he argued with me, pleaded to go back for Roy and help him. I didn't want to. Roy didn't want my help--he made it rather clear--and I didn't mind not doing him a favor. ...but then Gar said something that ...stopped me in my tracks.

"We've already lost Tara and Jason, Casper!"

...for a moment, I couldn't believe he brought up Jason's name in Roy's defense...especially with how Roy's been and how things have been with our family regarding Jason. ...but ...he continued to say that if Ollie's not going to help him, then who is? ...and he's not ready to lose another Titan--another friend. Especially to something as dumb as drugs. .....

....and ...as usual...he's right. ...I couldn't leave Roy back there in that alley. Not after that. As much as I hated having to walk back to him. Having to ...promise him that I was going to help him fight this battle.

Gar and I got Roy to Dinah's apartment. He wasn't thrilled, but, Dinah took him in with open arms. I'm remaining firm to my promise, and, I'll be visiting him on and off with Gar to help him through this little "intervention" of ours. I'm not thrilled about this--I think I am as much as Roy is--, but ...I guess I don't really have a choice anymore.

I really don't want to have to go to another funeral.

Getting Out of Hand

This is really beginning to get ridiculous.

I haven't written much of anything in this blog as of late, if not just because I've been so busy. The other reason is, I've frankly been so frustrated, that I have no desire to even think about everything that's been going on.

For starters, things at the tower have just gotten worse and worse. At the beginning of the month, it was becoming painfully obvious that Roy wasn't just avoiding contact with me, but everyone on his own team. At first I assumed it was just me and had my 'assumptions' confirmed when he deliberately turned back down a hall to avoid crossing paths with me. But, on later mentioning it to Garth, he told me that Roy had just been avoiding conversation in general. Keeping what exchanges he had to make uncomfortably short and constantly giving off a "shut up" vibe. This attitude of his has been getting progressively worse and worse since he and Donna broke up. ...I'm having a hard time believing that it's just because of that, though...their relationship from what I saw didn't seem this... I don't know what the word would be. I've been up almost 48 hours, my brain isn't completely with me since the coffee's wearing off.

Either way, I don't understand that boy. ...moving on.

The Gotham Inquirer asked Bruce to do an article on Jason a few days ago. Amazing how they think enough time has passed for that to be appropriate. I didn't get to hear the entire conversation, but, they want to know more about his life before Bruce adopted him. ...and people say -I- pry.

I'm not really sure what else there is to cover. Lune's back at the manor for the week because she needs a change from Fourside and I think Gar was going to spend Wednesday through Saturday over here, too, if Victor will let him. I hope he does. It will be nice to have the three of us together again. Maybe we can go do something to help get our mind off ...things.

More Drama

This is beginning to get aggravating. More so than it already was.

Roy has the uncanny ability to choose someone to channel whatever negative emotion he's feeling for the day into, for the entire time you're even in a 15 foot radius of him. And, take a guess who his target was today? Yep. Me.

And without going into too many details, yes. I did fight with him. I can't remember most of it, honestly, because I think I was just that livid. I do know that Garth and Gar had to pull us into separate rooms at the Tower and I stormed off to get myself a fruit smoothie almost immediately after.

I ran into Gabriella somewhere in the middle of all that and, luckily, I didn't repeat Roy's idiocy and managed to keep myself from acting remotely negatively to her. ...I think. She seemed cheery and relaxed as usual, so, I guess I wasn't giving off any wrong vibes. Good. We didn't talk long because she was about to head out on a patrol with Victor, Tiff and a few other of the newer Titans.

What's even more amazing is that all this happened in the morning. Yeah, it's hardly even the afternoon right now. Shocker (and yes, I did skip school today much to my disliking; I was needed at the Tower instead). I'm on lunch break right now, but, I've just finished my smoothie and fruit, so, I guess I'll close this up.

Plan for the rest of the day: patrol the South side of Jump City, avoid Roy before I'm forced to accidentally poke him on a pressure point, and get back to Gotham in time to have dinner before tonight's patrol. ...oh, and somewhere in there I have to write a rough draft for my history paper and finish my math homework.

...was that physics test tomorrow or Thursday?

Something Rare

So something happened today that's typically a rare and special occurrence.

Tommy came by to visit very briefly. He doesn't do that a lot, considering he's already busy enough as a surgeon and, well, my family's busy enough with...stuff. But he showed up on the doorstep and Alfred obviously let him in. I was happy to see him, so was Gar. And I know Bruce was, too, even though it became...evident why he was there.

He apologized for not having been in town to pay his respects when Jason had passed away. As much as I appreciate that he took the time out of his day to come by and say so, it ... it opened the wound, I guess. You know, made you think back on that day and just...yeah. Um. Hard to explain, but, we appreciated his stopping by.

He checked in on Gar and I, and gave us some small gifts he had picked up on the way over. A new mystery novel for me and Gar was excited to get HeartGold. I feel kind of bad, because I didn't really...react when I received the book. I didn't realize it until I saw his face fall. He didn't say anything to me...just lightly patted me on the head and moved off into a different room to talk with Bruce.

They had tea and he left almost immediately after that.

I keep finding myself thinking back on Thomas' visit and feeling like a complete ...jerk. I know he was just trying to come by and make it known that he was still keeping ties with us, but, I allowed the whole "open wound" thing to cloud my mood more than be grateful that he even acknowledged us. I didn't talk to him much, only even looked at him a little bit....wow, Raven. Way to show your gratitude to an old family friend.

I've suddenly gotten myself very...self-annoyed. So, I think I'm going to go ahead and call it a night. Get some sleep and get ready for a long day in the office tomorrow. Bruce is going to show me some more of the A.I. department and I need to be awake and attentive.

Been a While

Wow, have I been failing at updating this thing or what? Ugh. I'm sorry...readers, whoever you are if ...you're even out there. Things have been chaotic in Gotham lately and just...dealing with things is getting harder rather than easier and I'm just this much closer to seriously wanting to beat the tar out of that one punching bag in the training gym.

I'll try to keep this from exploding all over you.

In short, the media's been obnoxious (more so than usual, which is saying a lot). Now that the initial 'shock' about Jason's death has worn off (or so THEY think), we've started getting more ...invites for interviews and other stuff. I never once thought I could loath talk shows and...newspapers and gossip columns like I do now. They don't have any shame or respect or...--I'm just repeating things other people probably already know or think. Bruce and I are on edge and Diana and Alfred have been playing referee. Though I think Diana might pummel the next group that shows up on our doorstep.

Gar's having a hard time dealing with it, too...and it's not any easier now that the news is really beginning to question where Robin's gone. Him being recognizable both as Beast Boy and as, well, Garfield, has him open to 'attacks' on both sides. We're just praying that no one manages to make a connection with Jason's death and Robin's sudden disappearance from Batman's side and from his occasional team-ups with Titans West. If that happens, well...I really don't know how I'll handle it. I don't want to think about it, honestly.

Aside from that, hero/tower life has just been stressful in general. Drama has been out the wazoo and it's ...like everyone knows what's going on, but no one knows what's going on. If that makes sense. There's lots of confusing gossip going on between the newer recruits and for those of us who have been on the team longer, it's difficult to decipher what's for real and what's just a rumor weed. Normally I wouldn't care, but, considering I witnessed part of the source for it?

To put a long story really short? Roy and Donna broke up last week. And it wasn't just a break up, it was...pretty vicious. And it came out of no where. I was in the command center with Karen, Garth, Victor, Lune and Gar when they suddenly just exploded yelling at each other somewhere in the hallway. We missed the first half of it while we were just trying to locate them, but, it ended badly. Donna flew off near tears and Roy... I was surprised he wasn't breathing fire or that he didn't kill Victor and Garth when they tried communicating with him. He just stormed off and we didn't see him again for the rest of the day.

I haven't seen Donna around the towers in a while--at least while I've been there--but when I've seen Roy, he's either in a really, really bad mood (but then again, what else is new?) or he's really....distant. Wally's been worried about him, as has Garth, but. I dunno. Like I said, the "young ones" have been eating this up for a while and coming up with their own 'reasonings', since, Donna was Roy's longest lasting girlfriend. ...--but now I'M falling into all this...freaking gossip, why do I care...

Key point is: Things have been weird/annoying/difficult when it comes to keeping "teen life" separated from "work". I wonder if Bruce and Diana deal with drama remotely like this up at the Watch Tower. Pff.

So, as you can imagine, focusing on much of anything lately has just been a pain in the butt.

I just hope that I can maintain my grades and...whatever grasp on an optimistic mood I have left. Speaking of which, I have a research paper to finish, so, I think I'll call this entry quits for now and turn on some Sherlock to help me focus.

Ugh, Winter

I'm sorry, but winter is just horribly depressing after the Christmas season has passed. There's nothing to look forward to, nothing more to celebrate (unless you're someone who loves Valentines Day) and it's just. So. COLD. I really hate it.

It rained a whole bunch yesterday and now the outdoor arenas back at the barn are just about flooded and iced over. I went out and helped the stable hands move a bunch of the horses out of the pasture and into spare stalls and larger blankets. We had some trouble with several of them who were spooking at the blankets and enjoy pasture life more than a stall, but, thankfully they all got inside without anyone being injured--human or horse.

Last night was a slow crime night in Gotham. Bruce and I wandered around the upper areas for a little while and split up once or twice. Not much was going on. A few simple robberies, we stopped a drug deal and caught an Arkham escapee before he could get very far. At one point I broke away and took the cycle to Steel City, since it's not incredibly far from Gotham, and checked in on Karen and her team. Things seem to be going...alright over there, but, you could almost feel yourself breaking some sort of tension the moment you stepped through the door. It was like walking into really, really thick fog.

I got there and Garth was the first person I ran into. He was trying to fix one of the tables in the kitchen area. We talked for a bit, about going ons in Steel City and Gotham City and other 'business' related stuff about that. I didn't really ask how his Christmas went since he doesn't celebrate it and typically tends to disappear back to Atlantis during this part of the year anyway (he seems to avoid talking about it). I did learn that things have been a bit ...rough as far as their team chemistry is going. Roy and Karen have been at each other's throats and Roy's just been evasive in general from interaction. His attitude just seems to be getting worse with the days.

Much as I wanted to pry for more information (Gar accused me of 'wanting more dirt'), I let it go and headed back to Gotham. It was kind of surprising getting home to Fina, Lune and Tiff in the kitchen. Fina announced they were having a girl's slumber party TONIGHT. Of course.

So, they've been here since late last night (or early this morning, whichever phrasing you prefer) and I can tell Bruce is desperate for Fina to leave. She's been acting pretty testy, too, but part of that is just her genetics...though it's still inexcusable on some levels. Tiff got us to do some 'arts and crafts' earlier and Gar and Lune have been playing on Super Smash Bros: Brawl for the past two hours. I'm sitting here on the couch writing this and it looks like Fina's passed out in one of the chairs and Tiff is playing cheerleader for Lune. Gar's not happy about that.

Anyway. I'm still alive and kicking for the most part. Things are just...slow, dull and there's still a looming sense of depression haunting the household. Maybe it'll back off when spring comes around. I'm praying so.

Cheers

So this isn't a late entry at all. Happy New Years, everyone! Hope yours was fun and eventful.

Mine was actually rather laid back for once. The Waynes didn't host a party this year because one of Bruce's "friends" was already on it. Bruce went to the party, but, I thankfully got held back because Gar demanded so. We mostly spent the night watching movies and eating a lot of junk food. Kori and Victor dropped by for all of a few minutes to wish us a Happy New Year and steal some of our food (well, Vic stole it...Kori tried giving us some and Alfred worked his magic with politely refusing it). Gar called Karen and we wished her family a Happy New Year and she promised to pass on the word to Garth, Roy and the twins when she got the chance.

As for things we watched, Gar and I watched a bunch of the classic Sherlock Holmes mysteries from the 1950s and even tried out that new TV series called "Sherlock" that's out, about if Holmes lived in the 21st century. You can now call me more or less a massive fan of the series and considering where they left off, I have to admit I am more than irked that they would force us to wait until fall for that conclusion. ...seriously, guys.

Along with that, we also watched Toy Story 3 and Wicked Scary 4 (HOW many of those are they going to make?!) and by then the New Year had rang in, so, Alfred poured us some sparkling grape juice and we had some cake. Gar clocked out faster than I had wanted him to, so, I was stuck fully awake with the manor basically to myself. So, I read until I fell asleep.

As for the days up until now, things have been uneventful. A few minor crimes both here in Gotham and in Stone City, nothing serious or entirely life threatening to us or civilians. I'm just waiting for the calm before the storm to subside...I know it's coming. And when it does, it'll hit us like a wrecking ball.

Anyway, I'm going to go continue enjoying the peace and quiet and finish off Earlene Fowler's "Arkansas Traveler". Ten bucks says that right as I get to the conclusion, some alarm in the Batcave will sound.