Thinking

So it's been four days since I ripped Roy's ear off. ...I haven't gone back to Dinah's place since. I know Gar has.

Gar and I are still kind of...it's difficult to explain? We're talking again and 'hanging out' and going about our usual day and week routine, it seems, but... I can tell he's upset with me. He wants me to go apologize to Roy, it goes without him saying. It also goes without saying that...I really don't want to. I still feel like I really don't have a reason to apologize to him.

...but I also still feel just...awful about it.

The more I think about the things I said, the condition he's in... the brief expression on his face after I went silent. The worse I feel. The stubborn, mule-headed side of me just does not want to apologize to him, but, all the same...

I don't really know what to do at this point. Gar would probably make some sort of "Boulder is conflicted" joke if I brought this up to him.

Chances are I'll probably end up apologizing to him regardless of what I want or how I feel. That's how these things tend to go with me, went with me. ....ugh, I'm really not looking forward to it.

Gar's getting back from some Tower duty later tonight, sometime after dinner. I guess I'll get him to come with me and we'll head down and check on Dinah and Roy.

In the mean time, I've got to get back to working. Roxanne's about to give a presentation on some new upgrade to the alloy and I've got to be in the conference room with Bruce before the heads of other departments get there so we can meet and greet. I'm going to need to get some coffee on my way down there...haven't had any in two days and I think I'm starting to get a headache.

That went well

I'm really not good at this...really. At all.

To keep a long story short for those of you who don't care: Roy and I got in a fight.

...I know that's old news, but this one was bad. ....really bad. Especially considering the circumstances.

To move onto the long story, well.

It started out like it normally does when Gar and I go to check in on him and Dinah. We get there. The place is quiet. Roy's lying across the living room couch with a wet towel on his forehead and Dinah's kind of doing her own thing around the apartment. Gar scurries around putting up with Roy's sass and getting him things he wants. And I kind of linger in the background and get updates from Dinah on his condition, if he's talked to her about anything, so on and so forth. It all seemed perfectly tense and forced like it normally is.

And then, Hell gradually broke loose.

I'm honestly not sure what started it, but I was drawn into the living room when Roy started yelling at Gar. Of course, I wasn't about to let Gar take that crap, so, I started yelling back. And before I knew it, we were face to face, just...screaming at each other. I was on such an adrenaline....rage that I hardly even remember what we were yelling about. I know I 'asked' him what his problem was. I don't remember what he fired back at me. But...

....ugh, the more I think about it, the more I could just...kick myself...because...

I flat out told him I wished I'd left him back there. ....that he isn't worth the strain right now, and I have better, more important things I should be focusing my attention on. ...and other things, too, I'm sure...

...oh God, I ...it shut him up. Almost immediately. ...and the room was quiet long enough for me to actually register what I had just spat at him. I wanted to apologize, I wanted to say something else to fix it, but I couldn't--in the back of my mind, I just couldn't. ...and we just stared at each other. ...I could feel Dinah and Gar staring at us, too.

And then he told me, fine. He never wanted to be 'rescued' to begin with. Why the hell did I think he had ran that far away from 'home'. He was going to say something else, but he threw up mid sentence...and then ran back into the guest room and slammed the door shut with so much force I was surprised it didn't just fly off it's hinges.

Dinah, pretty needless to say, had us leave. The drive back to the manor was...miserable. Gar and I didn't speak to each other. We hardly looked at each other. And...we still haven't spoken to each other since. I know we've both purposely been 'missing' each other as we walk around the manor. And I know that page he got from the Titans before dinner was probably significantly less important than he made it sound.

It's 1:10am now and all this happened shortly after school, so...around 5. ...it's been a long time since Gar and I have avoided each other, and...for that alone, I feel absolutely terrible and stupid.

What's worse, is I just can't bring myself to apologize to Roy. ...I just can't. ...does he even deserve it? After how he's treated us--me--the past year or whatever. Especially now that we're actually giving a darn if he kills himself with overdose or not? Maybe that was the slap in the face he needed, maybe I did the right thing biting his head off and kicking his ungrateful tail into some form of reality.

...or maybe I just made things that much more worse...

.......I don't know.... I just...I need more time to settle down, to ease my mind... I need to get away from this and just...just think.... maybe I'll take Khon out to the back pasture for a ride first thing in the morning..... I need someone to talk to who won't argue back.

Rough

Possibly the most appropriate word for not only the past several days, but the road that lies ahead.

For starters, the obvious: Roy.

Swear to Hera, he is impossible. Some part of me wishes I could get into his brain to attempt understanding where he is coming from, but the rest of me honestly wonders why I'm wasting my time, energy and emotions on him. Because, I really don't have enough of that to go around right now. At all. I'm sick of the media still crawling around Jason's death. I'm sick of the drama going around the various Titans Towers. And I'm sick of his ungrateful, cynical attitude towards Gar and myself for pulling his butt off the streets and getting him to someone who cares.

And what's worse? I feel like I'm having to keep this from Bruce. He doesn't like Harper enough as it is, either...and I don't know. He hasn't asked. I haven't told him. ...end of story, really. Though, as usual, I get the feeling he already sort of knows. He is friends with Oliver, after all.

But because of all this mess, I completely forgot about Alfred's birthday. I felt terrible--feel terrible--about coming back to the manor on Friday and walking right past him with hardly a "Hi, Alfred" and not realizing it until he had sent me off to work with my coffee and a homemade breakfast the next morning. I just.... I couldn't apologize to him enough. He, of course, told me not to worry and understood that I "have a lot weighing on my shoulders for a girl my age", but...really. I shouldn't have forgotten your birthday, Al. I don't have an excuse.

..anyway, Roy's road to recovery isn't exactly going well. Dinah says he won't talk to her, won't tell her what caused him to start using heroin. Typical.

When I try talking to him, we almost always wind up fighting. Stating the obvious, neither of us WANT to talk to each other to begin with, so...things are already hostile the moment I open my mouth. When Gar tries talking to him, he just starts to ignore him. I keep finding myself annoyed that Gar keeps talking anyway...--not annoyed at Gar, annoyed that Roy's completely blowing him off. Roy can chew me out, ignore me all he wants, but, Gar wants to see you get better almost more than Dinah does, Harper.

...although, I guess to Harper's 'credit', breaking away from heroin isn't exactly a walk in the park. He's been throwing up a lot, suffering headaches and just body-aches in general. He looks like he hasn't slept in days. And just...a lot of other crap. I've researched the everliving daylights out of heroin withdrawal to try leveling with what his body's going through, but, I still just...can't bring myself to being emotionally at level with him. I AM trying, I swear, but...ugh, we always end up arguing and storming away from each other. And two days ago, it didn't go well at all because apparently he had more hidden and Dinah caught him with it. Conveniently after Gar and I had just gotten there.

I probably shouldn't have yelled at him. I keep thinking back on it and feeling bad, but...just... why doesn't he understand that we're trying to help him? We're trying to save him. I don't get why he doesn't just...

I don't know. I give up for the night.

We double-checked him and all his stuff and now he's 100% clean. And because of that, withdrawal's going to be all the more fun since he's been 'refreshing' himself up until now.

Ooh, happy-day.

I can't believe this

I can't. No, I just....I can't. I can't believe this, I have never been so...--outright dumbfounded. Ever. Not just with someone else, but, with myself. What am I even thinking right now?

...ugh. I guess I need to explain not only what's going on, but what's been going on, don't I? Since I haven't updated you guys in nearly a month's time. Alright, less than, but still.

About two nights ago, Gar and I were out on a patrol together, which we don't get to do often anymore. We were just about to wrap it up for dawn, when Gar stopped me and pointed out something--or rather someone--in an alley just below us. We inspected it further only to discover...it was Roy. You're probably wondering why this is such a big deal. WELL.

For starters, I haven't been mentioning this because I haven't found it important since--you know--we're super heroes and we get injured fairly often and frankly, it hasn't COMPLETELY been my concern. But. Roy's been in and out of the hospital off and on for a while. I think he's been in...three times? Sure. Not for very long, but, always immediate and without warning. I'd like to think he's just being reckless--especially with his attitude lately. ....but.

He's addicted to heroin.

...YEAH. I couldn't believe it. I really just...wow. I STILL don't have any words that could comprehend what was--is--going through my brain right now. Does he realize what he's doing?! Not only is it illegal, but, hello! It's one of the most addictive drugs out there, extremely hard to get out of your system, and DANGEROUS. What was he thinking?

That's just it, though. Clearly, he wasn't.

I could have just left him there in that alley. Heck, Ollie did. Oliver's the reason he was IN that alley--Ollie threw him out of the house. Roy even had a black eye from where Ollie punched him...they must have had some fight. ...and I almost did leave him out there. But, Gar was conveniently with me. ...and, Gar wouldn't leave him back there. When I started to walk away, he argued with me, pleaded to go back for Roy and help him. I didn't want to. Roy didn't want my help--he made it rather clear--and I didn't mind not doing him a favor. ...but then Gar said something that ...stopped me in my tracks.

"We've already lost Tara and Jason, Casper!"

...for a moment, I couldn't believe he brought up Jason's name in Roy's defense...especially with how Roy's been and how things have been with our family regarding Jason. ...but ...he continued to say that if Ollie's not going to help him, then who is? ...and he's not ready to lose another Titan--another friend. Especially to something as dumb as drugs. .....

....and ...as usual...he's right. ...I couldn't leave Roy back there in that alley. Not after that. As much as I hated having to walk back to him. Having to ...promise him that I was going to help him fight this battle.

Gar and I got Roy to Dinah's apartment. He wasn't thrilled, but, Dinah took him in with open arms. I'm remaining firm to my promise, and, I'll be visiting him on and off with Gar to help him through this little "intervention" of ours. I'm not thrilled about this--I think I am as much as Roy is--, but ...I guess I don't really have a choice anymore.

I really don't want to have to go to another funeral.