Why Can't I Hear Music Play?

...mn.

So, I won't lie. This year the Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities have been and are going to be...hard. And not just on me, but, on Bruce and Diana as well. And I can tell that Gar's having a hard time, too, even though he's not really showing it. I guess I'll stop beating around the bush and just come out and..say it.

This is our first holiday season without Jason.

...and ...for me, at least, it feels..wrong. It feels wrong to...I don't know. Enjoy myself, I guess?

Maybe that's why Thanksgiving felt so quiet. Maybe that's why Bruce was unusually cold with Clark. And maybe that's another reason why our friends were bringing us food.

It's been almost a year since he was taken away from us. Not near enough time for healing. Or for memories to fade enough so that you can live past them or among them. I keep catching myself thinking things like "Jason would have responded with" or "he would have done that differently" and I don't want to look at things that cause me to think that way.

I don't know. I feel ...numb. To everything right now. I wake up in the morning and I can smell that signature scent that the heater gives off...and I don't feel the warmth. I can see the lights and decorations, but I don't get the excitement. I can hear the Christmas music, but I can't absorb the joy.

I can feel it in everyone else, too.

The kitchen's been especially quiet in the mornings. No one really talks or...interacts with each other. We've all slipped into a rut. Like we're trying to ignore that empty seat at the table, even though we all look at it. Like we're trying to forget the vacant room at the end of the hall or the toothbrush in the bathroom that hasn't been touched. And this morning, it was like we were avoiding that one box of Christmas decorations that we know has the stockings in it. ...it wasn't just 'like' that...I know we were. We all knew we were. Everyone had something else they 'should' or 'had' to do; we didn't have time to decorate the living area today. We didn't have time to open that box.

People keep asking me what I want for Christmas. Friends. Family. Random, stupid people on the street who ask me if there really is anything more a "girl like me" could want or have.

Yes. There is. ... you won't find it in a store or on the internet. But it's all I want.

It's all I'm asking for.

Have Mercy on the Turkey

So, it's Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving anyone who's ...reading this. I dunno!

But yes, it is Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Stuff-Yourself-Till-You-Nearly-Puke Day. Whatever you prefer to call it. Alfred's been in the kitchen all morning, Barry sped by and practically forced food into Bruce's arms (then ran away before he could reject it) and even Clark stopped by trying to get us to accept some of his family's secret stuffing. Bruce wouldn't take it, but I'm pretty sure I saw Diana and Clark sneaking it in through an open window while I was walking to my car.

I'm beginning to think that our friends are catching on that no one in this household can cook except Alfred. And in some stroke of pity for him, they're trying to make his work load lighter. ....I suddenly feel really bad.

So that's one thing to be beyond thankful for. Alfred. Thank you, Alfred for not only cooking for us, but for all the other endless things you do around the manor. ...cleaning, taking care of us when we're sick, bringing us ice cream when we feel down, and just magically appearing from nowhere when we need you most. ...Bruce isn't Batman, you are.

Among all the food getting dropped off, Lune also came by. I'd invited her over 'cause I didn't want her Thanksgiving to be spent alone at the tower with Fina (she never goes home for any of the holidays). Gar was ecstatic to see her because that meant he'd have a video game buddy for the day. Alfred normally bans him from the kitchen because he'll try eating at least one of everything before dinner.

I stopped by the barn to help the staff finish up for the afternoon so they could go home to their families, gave Khon some Thanksgiving carrots and apples and headed back.

The rest of the day was a bit uneventful. We ate, visited, listened to Diana's plans for Christmas and Gar chatter about the list he's already preparing for 'Santa'. Lune and I briefly discussed decoration plans for Fourside and possibly seeing if we could get Tiff and Fina to join our family for Christmas...it'd be better for Tiff, though, having Fina along might not be better for us. She did burn down the Fourside tree last year.

Anyway, it's night now. Ace is snuggled up in bed with me and it's nice to have him here beside me. It's been a quiet, but good Thanksgiving. Though I have this ongoing fear that Bruce and I are going to have to go patrolling later tonight anyway. Cell phone's near by in case he pages me.

It's Been One of Those Days

Coming up for titles for these blogs takes more time than they're worth.

Ugh, but that could just be the bad day talking. Should I start from the beginning? ...well, you guys already know the beginning, I guess. The muffins and the bad tasting and the general failure of it all. Well, the failure didn't entirely end there. I guess is a way of putting it.

School was just a general pain. Exhaustion from last night carried over throughout the day and I often found myself being poked in the back by Delahni's pencil. At least she was keeping me awake. Dick and Jordan have been asking me all sorts of questions for the school newspaper...something about my opinion on the math club. I..don't remember being in the math club, but, okay guys. But, the overall worst part of the day was realizing I'd forgotten my flash-drive at home, and that had my English paper on it. I shouldn't have been lazy last night and just printed it out while I was still awake. So, now I have to explain that to Bruce. Fabulous.

After school, Alfred picked me up and we went straight to the Enterprises. Learned a couple of interesting things from Roxanne's department again (including getting an upgrade on my alloy when the other workers weren't looking) and talking to her is a lot of fun, regardless of her countless bounds of clumsiness. I can relate with that on some ends, though. She's very sweet, and Gar, of course, loves her. He was at the Enterprises, too. And even though Bruce gives off that Gar annoys him around the office, I know he likes it. ...it's probably nice for him to have a younger guy around the office ...especially right now.

Um. But things were okay until I got to West Tower tonight. The teams and just Titans in general were having another meet. I made sure I got myself some coffee at work and even refilled my thermos, so, I was awake. Victor was awake. Karen was awake. Heck, everyone was awake and paying thorough attention to the meeting for the most part.

...except. One. Person.

I don't understand what Roy's problem has been lately. ...well, first of all I don't understand what his problem is in general, but I'm going to digress from that. ...I don't even think he was mentally in the room tonight--and we were going over important information in the city he's supposed to be helping protect. And, what is he doing?

Staring off into space, with his arms and head on the table. Glaring at anyone who dares address him.

Normally Garth at least taps him on the shoulder and that brings his attention back to the discussion, but I could have sworn he actually growled at him this time. ...ugh, but whatever. We got through with the meeting. At least Karen and Garth got the information they needed and hopefully Karen will pound it into Roy the moment they get back to Steel City.

Anyway, I should probably stop now. Gar keeps pestering me to pay attention to our movie...he thought it'd be fun to watch "Spirited Away" tonight with Diana and Bruce. ...didn't work out too well with Bruce, surprise surprise, but, Diana's watching. So, I guess he won on some levels. ...mn, and I guess he deserves a bit more credit....he's been trying awful hard to keep our spirits up for a while now. I owe him more than...frankly even I know.

But yeah. Movie time. Gonna shut up now.

That's Different

Haha, so, I got up this morning to--obviously--get some form of food. There was that weird smell in the air where you know something is going down in the kitchen, but, you're a bit nervous about finding out what.

It was--again--a strange surprise to see Gar and Diana in the kitchen. First of all, seeing Diana in the kitchen cooking something is never good--though Bruce is worse; no one in my family can cook worth a hill of beans. I don't know what it is, exactly. But anyway, I hadn't even gotten three feet across the marble floor when Gar announced that he and Diana were inventing a new muffin.

The blueberry-chocolate chip-banana nut-pumpkin muffin.

I feel kind of bad now, because I laughed. Then I realized he was being completely serious. ...oops.

So the muffins came out of the oven. Burned; courtesy a-la Diana. Once we cracked the layer of crust off and managed to eat the actual muffin...well, we'll just say that the combination of flavors did not work well together at all. Ace even ran out of the room with his tail between his legs. I guess this is a bit of a sign that we need to continue to allow Alfred to man the kitchen. And I'm lucky Lune's around to cook for us back at Fourside. Fina burns anything you put in front of her and Tiff...burns herself.

I guess it's a perk of being vegetarian. Most of your food is best served raw.

Typical

Haha, look at me. Joining the crowd these days and getting a blog like any other 'celebrity', if you even want to call me that. But you know how it goes.

But I was bored and Gar over there has been bugging me about getting one of these things and, admittedly, yeah, I have been considering getting one for some time now. But watch, I'll probably only update or even remember I have it on those nights when coffee's actually having an effect on me and I find myself hopelessly bored and hyper. I forget small things like this easily; especially when there's so much other crap I have to worry about already...school, my 'internship' (if you will), and, of course, making sure the city of Gotham doesn't blow itself up. Not to mention Stone City and Jump City and Steel City and...wherever else I'm needed or called to.

And, because Gar says, hang out with friends here and there in between.

...I don't really know what else to say, except that I walked in on Gar and Alfred singing that "Do, a deer, a female deer" song this morning. It was not only a strange experience, but, one I happily won't soon forget.

It's a strange and normally stressful life, but. It's mine.