Scattered Showers

Sorry about the delay in updates. Gar somehow managed to drop my laptop down the stairs....I think he was trying to use it to show Wally something. But let's get back to where I was. This entry's going to be a bit lengthier than usual on account I ...well, want to get caught up to current day. Plain and simple. --I'm still not going to dump everything at once on you, but the blogs will be longer than usual.

When we returned on the 9th of May, something was definitely...different. On the surface it didn't seem so, but. It was. Roy still didn't look at us much when we spoke to him. He still seemed to be feeling completely miserable. But. On top of that physical misery, I could see something else in him. ...through the 9th and the 10th, I could tell he wasn't really listening to us--like usual--but...he was still processing something...and whatever it was, it was keeping him completely silent. It was like he had shut down again, save for whatever kept running through his mind. I pulled Dinah aside just before Gar and I left one day and asked her how he's been while we're not there. She said he's been very, very moody...most of which, obviously, are negative emotions. Ranging from an easier-than-usual triggered temper to moments when he'll lock himself in his room for hours on end to keep anyone from seeing him. She assured me that she checked his room regularly for any hidden heroin, but he's been clean since we found the last stash. The withdrawl's just been especially hard on him...it had, after all, been just over two weeks since his last dosage. And on top of that, now there's whatever's been going through his head.

On the 13th, my curiosity and...honest growing concern got the best of me. Gar and I were wrapping up our talk-fest, which...surprisingly had gotten easier...and I found myself asking Gar to go ahead and get the car from the parking lot and drive it to the front of the complex. I'd be down in a second. He looked confused for a second but took the keys and left without question. Once the door was closed behind him, I turned back to the couch. Roy hadn't moved from his position yet and he still looked completely lost in his thoughts. It took a few seconds for my legs to listen to my brain, but, I got myself to slowly walk to the place behind the couch just behind him. It took another few seconds to actually speak up, but, I managed that, too. I asked him if he was doing alright, considering he hadn't insulted me in the past three days. He didn't say anything, just kind of looked at me from the corner of his eye. Then looked away. Most of me wanted to just accept that he wasn't going to talk and just walk away and go home...but I found myself doing quite the opposite. Instead, I told him that I was just asking because I was concerned. When he didn't budge or answer again, I felt a sinking feeling that I really had messed things up the other day when I mentioned Wally to him. Maybe he'd felt pressured or exposed when I threw in what Wally had said about calling him. Crap. Without really thinking, I apologized for ever bringing Wally up to him and turned to leave.

"...I called Wally."

I froze in my tracks, hand almost on the doorknob. ....I hadn't expected him to speak up at all, let alone say...that...

"...you did?" I asked, turning my head a little to look back at him. He didn't move for a few seconds, but then nodded slowly. I allowed myself to turn all the way back around, sliding my hand away from the knob. "..and?"

"I let him know I was alright."

"Oh. ...That's good..."

And cue awkward silence. He went quiet again and I debated whether or not to press for more. "...he's really worried about you, you know."

He ducked his head, but didn't say anything. So I went on. "...are you really alright, though, Roy? ...you've looked really...spaced out the past few days."

"Yeah, I'm fucking fantastic."

"...sorry, I just--"

"You know, Raven," he stood up suddenly, turning to face me and managing to stop himself from wobbling at the quick movement. "A month ago, you didn't give a rat's ass if I was 'alright'. And I wouldn't be surprised if you still don't now--you're just doing your 'occupational duty'."

"What--no! I--"

"Just go already." He threw an arm out and quickly moved towards the back hall. "I'm done."

...to be honest, I found myself glued to the spot for nearly a minute. I wasn't sure what to say or how, exactly, to react to him. There was a part of me that wanted to march after him and correct him, but by now I had learned that that got me nowhere but in a deeper hole. So, instead, I just swallowed that down and forced myself out the door and down the apartment stairs. Gar had the car pulled up and was sitting in the passenger's seat with a grinning face, that, I unfortunately sank the moment he saw me stomping down the stairs.

Upon getting home, I did something I probably should have done weeks ago.

I found Alfred and pulled him away from cleaning the library to talk to him. It took some work, but I managed to generalize the situation enough but keep it specific so I'd hopefully get some form of a solution out of it. If that makes any sense. I explained to him that someone I knew was struggling with a drug addiction and no matter what I try, it doesn't seem to be getting anywhere. He asked me if I had tried researching the drug responsible ...and I felt like an idiot when I responded with a few slow blinks and a shake of my head. He simply smiled, patted my hand and offered to make me a cup of tea before leaving the room. ...and I immediately traced my steps back to the library.

...I've got to find a way to catch up. It's already October 3rd and I'm still telling you guys what happened back in May. I'm going to try to keep updating regularly, but, Gotham gets a bit ...crazy. Crazier. This time of year. Just try guessing why.

Rain

So I'm going to go ahead and put it on the table--if you haven't figured it out already--that I'm not very good with people.

The next several days were possibly some of the most awkward and uncomfortable days I've ever experienced. Have you ever tried holding a conversation when you have absolutely no idea what to talk about? Yeah. Pretty freaking awkward.

May 3rd was terrible. Gar talked for the first half of the day and then suddenly looked at me after he finished his third story. It took a good several seconds for me to realize that he wanted me to take a turn talking for once. To make things worse, I caught Roy peering at me through the corner of his eyes when I stammered for something to talk about. I decided to take Gar's route and try talking about what I did earlier that day. ....God, I hated it.

The next day wasn't much better. Gar, once again, more or less forced me to get involved in the story-telling and I tried talking about some of the new horses we have at the barn...which, was a little easier if not just because I could drone on and on about my horses for hours, regardless if anyone's honestly listening to me or not. ...however...

By the 7th, the end of the week, Dinah said she wanted to spend some time with Roy on Saturday. That maybe getting him out of the apartment for a while would ease the withdrawl symptoms. So we didn't visit. Instead, I wound up doing some extra work with Cyborg in the Titans West Tower to make sure the new additions to the security systems were up and running. And that's when he showed up.

I was carrying some various hardware to the computer when out of the usual blue, Wally's suddenly all of 4 inches from my face asking me what I'm doing. Despite that I should be used to this by now, I still sprang backwards, just about tripped on my cape and full-on landed on the hardware boxes...if he hadn't caught me. The save came with a complementary eyebrow waggle and wide grin...cocky speedsters.

After he'd gotten his answer from me, he followed me down the hall and surprisingly didn't beat around the bush about his next question. He wanted to know if I had seen Roy recently. He hadn't spoken to him for a long time and Roy wasn't answering his phone and he was getting really worried, because none of their other friends had seen high or tail of him, either. I didn't really know what to say, because I was pretty sure Roy didn't want...anyone else knowing about what was going on. But Wally deserved some kind of solid, truthful answer...they were close friends from what I had always observed.

I told him yes, I knew where Roy was, but I couldn't tell him. That he was going through a rough patch and wanted to be left alone...but that he was safe and hopefully would be back soon. This, understandably, worried Wally...but thankfully he seemed to accept what I'd said. ...he probably understands Roy better than I do and knows this might be normal behavior for him? I don't know.

Either way, he made me promise to tell Roy he was sorry for whatever was going on and that he misses him and hopes he gets through it. And that he has his number if he needs another person to talk to.

...the next day, I repeated the it to Roy just before Gar and I left. He didn't react at first, but...midway through redelivering the message, he looked at me. Maybe I was just seeing things or looking too hard for something, but...I could have sworn I saw his eyes cloud slightly. I waited for him to respond with something snarky like he usually does when I try talking to him, but he just sort of nodded and stood up, teetering into the hall.

...I couldn't stop thinking about it. Had I just made things worse, again? ...crap.

"Cloudy, with a Chance of ..."

The morning of May 2nd was probably one of the most unnerving mornings I had had in a while. I remember waking up and being drained of thought for a few minutes. I couldn't remember when I had fallen asleep. I couldn't remember what had last happened in the book I had fallen asleep reading--or if I had even been reading at all. And I couldn't remember what had happened the previous day. It took a moment for the sack of bricks to hit me. And the second it did, it felt like my heart skipped a beat all together.

I had kicked down a big barrier yesterday. And today, I was going to have to face the opposing side without it.

Cue the "oh crap" chorus.

Breakfast didn't exactly help, much. I must have been even the slightest off key because Bruce suddenly brought down the "what's wrong?" hammer. I'm not sure how I managed to weasel out with a simple "nothing, I'm just tired"...maybe he just wasn't in the mood to argue with me over anything. Or maybe he just didn't have the energy to question me back. I don't know. Either way, that was weight enough off my shoulders.

...Roy threw it right back on when he was the one who answered the door instead of Dinah.

It threw me off guard. Of course. That's probably what he wanted to do. I probably looked like a complete idiot standing there with my mouth open while Gar threw his arms up and expressed his excitement that Roy had, well, bothered answering the door.

...'bothered'....

The visit was the same, but different, all at once. The tension that had always seemed to float around the room was still there, but it wasn't anything like it had been. Instead of constantly staring off into space while Gar was talking, sometimes Roy would look at us. At me. Then resume staring off. It was always just a turn of the eyes; he never moved or tilted his head. He seemed more focused instead of blatantly ignoring us. I don't know which I preferred more.

As the day wrapped up, the usual speaking points remained; Gar did all the talking while Roy and I remained silent as mice. It wasn't until Gar closed up his story and saluted Roy a good day as we stood to make our exit that Harper suddenly turned his head, looking in my direction but not making eye contact.

He bluntly asked if I meant what I said yesterday. It took a second, but I nodded and said that I had. He stared at me for another moment before snorting and looking away. As if bringing the subject back up hadn't made me go tense enough; I immediately fired a sharp "what?" at him. He shortly replied "just leave", and before I could say anything back, Gar had my arm and was dragging me for the door. ...probably for the best.

...but it continued to eat at me on the drive home. I couldn't stop analyzing the scene in my head, trying to remember every movement and twitch of an expression on his face when he had received my answer. What the heck did that head-shake mean? ...I didn't expect him to believe me, I guess, but. I don't know. It was getting under my skin. To the point that I found myself asking Gar what he thought about it. Gar already seemed to have a better grasp on this entire situation than I did. I wonder if that's just him and his people talents or the simple fact that he's got some animalistic 6th sense that was part of his power-package deal.

Either way, I still got the "obviously" look after I asked him.

"You didn't change anything today, Casper," he replied simply. "Yeah, you said you were sorry yesterday. And I know that's a big step for you and all, but...he needs more than that. You didn't treat him any different. You didn't talk to him--dude, you hardly even looked at him. ...I thought you of all people would know that you can't just go around saying things...y'gotta do them, too..."

...needless to say, that more or less shut me up for the rest of the drive home.

When Gar's right, he ...couldn't be more right. Sometimes it can be unsettling. Especially when you're resistant to what is...well, right. ...this process was going to have to be a two person job. Roy wasn't going to get any better if I didn't start contributing more than the minimum. His faith in anyone--let alone himself--had pretty much taken a nose dive. ...tomorrow was a new day and another chance to try turning that around...for real, this time...