So, back to May 1st. April had been a rough month, it goes far without saying. I remember one of my first thoughts getting up that morning was the cliche of "new month, new start" or something of the sort. And it was off to an okay start... no reporters on our doorstep. Bruce was in a relatively decent mood. And school went smooth, all things considered. Delahni already finished the first half of her final project for AP Art. As usual it was absolutely breath-taking and, as usual, Jordan was busy trying to find the best way to photograph it for documentation or...something.
I waited around for Gar before we headed to Dinah's. And...suddenly I felt....--I don't want to say 'scared', necessarily, but, it was weird. I was definitely nervous, I don't know what of. The worst he could do was.......overdose. ................
I don't remember most of the drive. I just remember that the moment Dinah opened the door my mouth went dry. ...I'm not good at apologizing. I never have been. I guess it's because a good chunk of the time I don't think I have a reason to apologize. So when I actually do have a reason, getting off my high horse is...intimidating. I kind of like it up there.
Especially when it comes to apologizing to someone I don't think deserves it...
Gar did his usual thing. Chattering and going on about his day. Roy didn't say anything...he was in a worse mood than he had been the past week. I guess I don't blame him since his withdrawl had undoubtedly worsened over the past two days. He looked like a wreck. A very angry wreck.
All the while Gar talked, I just sat there in my chair, picking at my nail-polish and keeping my eyes focused on anything that wasn't breathing. I couldn't hear anything Gar was saying; all I could think about was what I was going to say. And I had to say it before the two of us left. How was I going to start it? Should I just come out and say it and leave before he has the chance to respond? Should I beat around the bush at the risk of him getting irritated and we get in an argument all over again? ...I didn't want to screw the situation over further than I had already managed to do...or thought I had. Or...uhgh.
Unfortunately, instead of time crawling by like it usually does, it decided to make like a cheetah and sprint. The next thing I knew, Gar was standing up and starting to dismiss us. Now my mind started going a mile a minute as I absently stood up, letting him grab my hand and tug me away from the couch. Crap, say something. Gar called a good-bye over his shoulder to which Roy just snorted at. Say something. I remember him tugging the door open and immediately whipping myself around to face the living room again.
I'm pretty sure I blurted out "I'm sorry I yelled at you" like some panicked person. Roy actually turned his head to look back at me...I couldn't read his expression very well, but I'd say it was..confused. I remember opening my mouth to try explaining myself, but... I suddenly realized I had no control over this situation anymore. I had not only stepped off my horse, but let it run away. No amount of explaining could bring it back. The realization brought my brain to a stop and I could feel myself heating up again.
It was at that point I gave into the primal instinct of "flight or fight" and all but ran out of the apartment. I dove into the car and drove for the manor as quickly as I legally could. Half-way home I realized that I had left Gar behind in my rush to escape the sudden rush of vulnerability. Half of me felt horrible and almost backtracked to get him, but I remembered that he could easily fly back and...settled on that.
...I remember spending the rest of the evening over-thinking everything. Wondering if I should go back or not. Wondering if I actually had been a source of his problems. Wondering what the heck was going through his mind at this very moment. Then I'd kick myself for being so anxious over everything. It was ridiculous, why was I so worried? I never gave a crap over what he thought about me before. ...but, then again, I've...never apologized to him before--for anything. Even when I'd be wrong back on missions we'd be on together, I never admitted it...never wanted to give him the satisfaction. ...
Once again, I think I've explained enough for one day. I'll get back to you.
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