Not Very Good at This

Sleeping, I mean.

I don't know what it is about this family. But no one around this manor ever gets any real sleep. Except Gar when he visits, but, as for my family? Nope. I don't know what Diana does to keep herself awake after a few all-nighters, but, Bruce and I practically survive off coffee ...and, in my case, juice, too. Sometimes. Um. But yeah, I don't know.

It's almost 5am and even though I've had the opportunity to fall asleep for...well, three hours, now, I've been restless and what have you. I don't really know what the source is. Ugh. Tomorrow's the big New Year's party. Or ...today is, I guess, if you wanted to be insanely literal about it. I'm not really looking forward to it, but. Yeah. I guess the Titans do have to do SOMETHING big together...for sake of getting to know any new rookies or...just seeing each other since several teams are split around the country. ...yep.

I don't know. I'm just writing this because I'm bored. I'll have to write a 2010 finalizing blog after I wake up and then maybe one about the party.

But, in summary? 2010 = Horrible.

Merry Christmas

This morning was a very interesting and...well, for me, kind of a nerving experience.

Gar came barging into my room around 5:30am. Scared the living daylights out of poor Ace and even managed to startle me for a few seconds. At first, I had no idea what was the cause of his strange behavior (particularly the getting up at 5:30am, he never does that), but then I remembered the date. Today was Christmas. And it was tradition for Gar and I to get up unnaturally early to play boardgames and video games in his room until Alfred let us come downstairs to have breakfast and open presents. This year must have not been much different for him.

While he dragged me down the hall, though, all I could think about was the fact that I had forgotten what day it was. It was kind of a surreal and...honestly depressing realization. To have forgotten it was, you know, Christmas and all that.

We played on Little Big Planet for a long time. Gar's discovered this level where our little characters have to get past all these sharks and other obstacles that's a ton of fun. About half an hour before Alfred normally comes to get us, we broke out the books (in Gar's case, comic books) and read until he appeared at Gar's door. There were more cinnamon rolls and pancakes for breakfast than we could ingest, even with Bruce and Diana's help. Bruce and I grabbed our usual cup of coffee before we joined the others in the living room for present exchanging and stocking raiding.

Gar got what he wanted: "Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood" and some more comic books to add to his growing collection. He was still disappointed about going another year without receiving a moped. I caught Bruce giving him a ghost of a smirk while Gar went on a mini-rant about why he should have gotten one. They've been doing this ever since Bruce agreed to help him get his permit. ...again, I find myself that Gar's around for Bruce's sake sometimes. He acts like he wishes Gar would stop pestering us and clinging to our family like a lost puppy, but...I know that he honestly does enjoy his company.

Uuhm, I got some new saddles, an upgraded laptop and a bunch of new books. I'm especially excited about the new saddles. The last horse I trained managed to trip himself and fall out from under me. Tore up the leather pretty bad. And some of them are just old and overused.

Bruce is going to take Diana out to dinner tonight (it's sweet~) and Alfred and I made plans to visit some local rescue locations to see if there are any horses in need of homes. I was on Petfinder the other day and caught sight of a sweet gelding. I just might have to take him in; the poor fellow looks like he needs some love and attention. Well, they all do, really.

After we finished unwrapping presents, we all settled down with cider and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" together. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Everyone just kind of lazed around the house, talked about stuff. ...well.

Gar suddenly mentioned that we should go to the graveyard and visit the rest of the family. Because it's Christmas and they shouldn't be alone. ...so, we got into our coats and went down there for a little while. Bruce visited his parents and Diana left them some white roses. Then we all visited Jason. Gar talked to him about the day while we all stood by. It was sad at first but...when we left, I suddenly felt a bit more at peace. It was weird and hard to explain, but...I don't know. I could feel us all relaxing a little. ...it was kind of nice.

Lune came over with Tiff and Fina later in the day and we exchanged presents. Fina, as always, got us more gags than gifts. Tiff had made us all picture frames that were really cute. And Lune got me a new Sherlock Holmes book: Valley of Fear.

Anyway, there's a Christmas party later tonight at Titans West tower. I haven't decided if I want to go or not... Tiff and Fina have already confirmed that they are and Lune's decided she's going to stay at Fourside. I might go... or I might curl up in front of the fire with a good book. Even though I've been in a good mood today, I'm still not feeling...'festive'. I guess. Right now, I'm just looking forward to my own "silent night"...and the idea of a fire, some cider and a book just sound too good to pass up right now.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Hope your's was warm, safe and filled with family fun and sugar.

Amazing How One Thing Can Trigger Something

You ever had one of those moments where...right when you're exhausted. Packing it in. Closing down your windows and making one last round of checks through all the websites you're active on, you stumble upon a link somewhere else and find yourself helplessly engrossed for the next several hours, regardless of how heavy your eyelids become?


Mn. That happened to me last night.


I was double-checking my facebook messages because Delahni's been not-very-subtly reminding me to do so since she's about to send out specifics on the times and date of her big Christmas bash. And I happened to come across a 'like'-link that Tiff had had liked that started with: "Think about this: The person you are going to marry is walking the Earth at this very second...." 


Being the curious and always unsatisfied-with-an-unfinished-thought kind of person that I am, I clicked the link to read the rest of it: "That thought alone should give you hope to continue each and every day, knowing someone, somewhere, is completely in love with you, even if you both don't know it yet." 


It wasn't really until I had finished reading the statement that I realized it had brought me to a different website rather than just a facebook page to 'like'. I was on a website called "Six Billion Secrets". Curious, I went to the home page. It's a website that's designed like "My Life is Average" but...for secrets. To be anonymously exposed to the readers. 


What came over me was...unexplainable. I couldn't stop scrolling down the pages, clicking to the next one and before I knew it, I had been sitting in the dark, reading through this website for nearly an hour and a half. And just after I had realized that, I realized I had been crying. I don't know how long I'd been crying or what started it, really. But just... it was unexplainable. 


All these people, these... hidden or ignored emotions. Some just questioning themselves or wishing they had friends who cared and others considering suicide. I found myself paranoid...afraid that someone I knew might be posting their secrets here--or that I might be that friend who's 'too busy' or who obliviously says something that beats them down inside. 


There was one secret posted about how the people who smile and laugh the most are the people hurting the most...and they know because that's how they live. All I could think about was Gar, or...Wally. They're both always so cheerful, so happy and so busy trying to cheer up people like me. And no one--me--thinks twice about how they might be trying to hide something. They've done so much for their friends--for me, even... I want to hug them both the moment I see one of them, whether it's later today or tomorrow or even in the week. I already worry so much about losing Gar, seeing him being taken away from me... I don't know.


The depression I've been under for the past few months...well, for a while now. It's resurfaced again. On top of now being worried about my friends' emotional states, I'm beginning to worry that Jason may have died heavy hearted...unresolved...scared and alone. The last thing I said to him was "be careful" as he ran off to rescue his mother, against Bruce's orders. I should have not only had the gull to stop him, but...I wish I had said something else other than something so stupid and painfully obvious. I ... I don't know. 


This morning I stopped by Starbucks to pick up some coffee for myself and a few of Bruce's co-workers and I passed a card shop. For whatever reason I wandered inside and found a simple Christmas card and bought it. The card sat at my desk all morning. I didn't really look at it or do anything to it. Roxanne asked if it was for someone special and I just laughed and told her I didn't know yet. When lunch hour rolled around I suddenly found myself writing in it. Writing to Jason, apologizing and telling him how much we all miss him and...it was like my mind went blank and my hand just took over. I filled up the card and even wrote on the back of it, jammed it into an envelope and without thinking, I found myself marching out of Wayne Enterprises and down the street. I didn't stop until I'd reached the cemetery...a good walk's away. I really don't even remember walking there. I left the envelope carefully tucked under his tombstone. 


It was only after I had stepped back that I realized I'd forgotten my coat and that it was absolutely freezing. ...but I just couldn't leave.


I'm not sure how long I was out there, but Alfred eventually showed up, placed a coat over my shoulders and took me home. And...now I'm here. 


I don't really know how I feel right now...if I'm just numb from the cold or just...numb. I'll have to get back to you later, blog...thing. I suddenly just want to curl up on my bed with Ace and stare into the ceiling. I need a moment of warmth, silence and thought. 

Counting Down

Christmas is almost a week away and things have been naturally hectic. In some ways it's, of course, stressful, but at the same time it's kind of enjoyable and almost comforting. All kinds of parties are happening for the clubs at school, the student council's about to have a big charity drive, Victor wants certain members of the Titans to do their own charity drive (to which many of us have agreed), Alfred's been cooking random snack foods and treats out the wazoo, crime rates are rising as they usually do this time of year, and Bruce is moving mysteriously through the manor again. Whatever he's been doing, he must not want Gar or me or possibly even Alfred to know. I humor him and pretend not to notice, but, Gar's beginning to catch on and I'm sure it won't be long before he's stalking Bruce around the manor and then claiming he's "only practicing his tracking and stealth skills" when he gets caught.

I still don't know what I'm going to be getting friends and family for Christmas. Bruce is always impossible to shop for. ...no really, you have no idea how hard it is to shop for that man. And what's worse is trying to read his face/body language/tone of voice after he's opened it...spend the rest of the day paranoid if he really liked it or not. Gar always gets him some gag gift that might as well be something one would receive at a white elephant gift exchange. Last year he got him a bottle of Old Spice and a My Little Pony figurine. ...and he also got Alfred turkey-oven mits, which, come to think of it I now realize he was wearing them on Thanksgiving. ...huh.

Back at Fourside, Lune and I are trying to get the place decorated and looking festive. A bit late to be doing that, you say? Well, it'd be a lot easier if Fina would stop burning down all the decorations when she gets bored. I think the number of times I've replaced stuff this year alone is either seven or eight. It's really beginning to get old. Tiff is running amok with her mistletoe headband again and keeps forgetting that our team consists entirely of estrogen. Fina promised to take her to Titans East or West tower this weekend so she can "spread some holiday cheer". ...I know you can't see it, but I'm rolling my eyes right now.

Wally came by again around lunch time yesterday (of course). The first thing he did was raid our pantry and the second thing he did was attempt convincing Gar and I to make some Christmas cookies with him. Gar jumped on that wagon immediately. I didn't because...I can't cook worth anything. But, they freaking guilted me into it with their big blue and green eyes and I didn't really have much of a choice after that.

We're lucky we didn't blow up the oven. Or rather...I didn't blow up the oven.

We made about half the amount of cookies that we'd made dough for. Gar and Wally devoured most of it before it even reached the oven. I was kind of surprised because I don't think the vegan cookie dough tastes near as good as regular cookie dough, but, whatever floats their boats.

Anyway. I really need to go shopping. I think Bruce needs a new iPhone...pretty sure he's down to having only five back ups (yes, 'only' five, you'd be surprised) and I might also get him a Starbucks giftcard or something. Lord knows this family has some of Starbucks' favorite faces. Bruce and I drink way too much of their coffee.

Wayne Christmas Charity Ball

Or as Gar likes to call it, the WCCB, What Could Claus Buy?

I don't know, he's been doing it for years. Guess you can't kill an old tradition...habit...um. Anyway, that was tonight. As usual, it was fun, stressful and obnoxious all at once. The media was crawling all over the place, wanting to interview Bruce or I about...well, everything.

My "date", I could have definitely slapped, but, I was in public. I don't think I've ever mentioned Winston in one of these, but, he's the son of one of the big dogs in one of our science departments. I've been "dating" him on and off for the media's sake (because, you know, I take after my 'playboy father' and all that) and I'm really getting sick of him...especially since he's convinced I'm even remotely attracted to him. No, Winston. No, I am not. Get over yourself. Egocentric, jerk of a--...

Aside from Winston being a complete donkey and after I managed to 'accidentally' lose him at the confections table, things went a little smoother. I finally found Gar in the crowd (it's harder than you think; while his skin IS green, he's also short) and we stuck together like glue for the rest of the ball. He was able to hear Winston coming before the jerk was in range enough to really see us, so, we spent a lot of our time ducking through people or using the dance floor as a short cut. We've had years to plan all these evasive maneuvers with just the dance floor (I think I'm too old to use the tables as an evasive maneuver now). We spent the rest of our time either avoiding or being caught by reporters. I really hate those people.

Okay, hate is a strong word, as Diana says. I deeply loathe them. ...that better?

Point being, I don't like talking to them. And as much fun as it can be coming up with barn accidents to explain the various bruises and cuts I have, it does have it's moments where it gets old. "This bruise and large gash on my shoulder? The horse I've been training this month threw me into the fence". That works. Alfred rescued me from a reporter or two, for which I am eternally grateful.

Oliver and Dinah were also at the ball. I didn't see Roy anywhere, but didn't really bother asking Ollie about him, either. I think Gar did, but I'd already been whisked away by Bruce because Vicki Vale wanted to speak with both of us together. And during that moment, of COURSE, Winston caught up with me and I had to share a dance with him....ugh.

But yeah, I'll stop boring with this now. We raised a lot of money for some local charities, it looked like people were enjoying themselves, Alfred did an outstanding job as usual at keeping everything moving fluidly and Gar and I had a good time. Not really much to say beyond that. Just another successful WCCB.

I quit

I quit trying to come up with titles for these things, it's seriously impossible. I'll literally spend, like...five to TEN minutes sitting here trying to think of a reasonable name before I actually start writing; it's such a waste of time.

In other news, I realize now that the previous entry must have had some sort of negative effect on me and, Gar being Gar, realized it all too quickly and took immediate action on turning me around. It must have been pretty bad, because he even dragged Wally into it with him.

Wally shows up suddenly at the front door of Wayne Manor this morning, demanding entrance into the household. Diana, of course, let him come in and it only took him a fraction of a second to locate the specific hall, room, even chair in front of the fire place that I was sitting in. His sudden just..POP in front of me always manages to scare the crap out of me. I wonder HOW Bruce manages to remain completely unphased whenever Barry or Wally just suddenly appear around him. Because I sure as heck can't hear them coming.

...--but I'm getting on a rabbit trail now, um.

Anyway, Wally just materializes in front of me and announces that we're going to IHOP and I have no choice but to let him pay for me. I started to refuse, but, he had already grabbed my arm and I was half-way down the hall. Gar was waiting at the front door, gave me my coat, beanie and scarf and the three of us jumped in Wally's car and took off.

I have to admit that IHOP...definitely helped a little. Gar and Wally were being their normal goofy selves. Being around their jokes and their out-right cheeriness was just what I needed. And the sweets helped, too. Wally and Gar decided to take advantage of the "Never-ending Pancake" special (they do those on Tuesdays this time of year, apparently) and they had a contest to see who could eat the most.

Wally won. Surprise, surprise.

But, it was a close call. Gar started turning into different animals to try expanding his stomach area. ...we had a cheering crowd and everything. I wouldn't be surprised if this appeared on youtube sometime soon. The only downside is I think we also got banned from IHOP. Or at least they did. But, IHOP should think a bit more before they offer endless pancakes for just $5.00.

We went to the park for a little while, built some snowmen. Watched Wally make an army of snow angels and Gar make an army of snow animals. I snuck off and got some hot cocoa to repay Wally for getting me IHOP and, all was mostly good. It was a nice escape from the manor and...from things. Though I still find myself constantly feeling guilty whenever I laugh or...smile. Keep waiting for that snide comment to pop up whenever Gar or Wally crack a joke or do something weird and stupid. But...'course it's not coming.

Wally says he wants to do something again later this week, but he won't tell me. Looks like I'm the current target for spreading holiday cheer. And Bruce is beginning to fall under the radar, too. Why? ...Wally fearlessly hugged him when we got home.

I'm actually kind of looking forward to my next 'kidnapping'. Mn. Fingers crossed that the Christmas spirit continues to slowly try to find it's way back to me.

Why Can't I Hear Music Play?

...mn.

So, I won't lie. This year the Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities have been and are going to be...hard. And not just on me, but, on Bruce and Diana as well. And I can tell that Gar's having a hard time, too, even though he's not really showing it. I guess I'll stop beating around the bush and just come out and..say it.

This is our first holiday season without Jason.

...and ...for me, at least, it feels..wrong. It feels wrong to...I don't know. Enjoy myself, I guess?

Maybe that's why Thanksgiving felt so quiet. Maybe that's why Bruce was unusually cold with Clark. And maybe that's another reason why our friends were bringing us food.

It's been almost a year since he was taken away from us. Not near enough time for healing. Or for memories to fade enough so that you can live past them or among them. I keep catching myself thinking things like "Jason would have responded with" or "he would have done that differently" and I don't want to look at things that cause me to think that way.

I don't know. I feel ...numb. To everything right now. I wake up in the morning and I can smell that signature scent that the heater gives off...and I don't feel the warmth. I can see the lights and decorations, but I don't get the excitement. I can hear the Christmas music, but I can't absorb the joy.

I can feel it in everyone else, too.

The kitchen's been especially quiet in the mornings. No one really talks or...interacts with each other. We've all slipped into a rut. Like we're trying to ignore that empty seat at the table, even though we all look at it. Like we're trying to forget the vacant room at the end of the hall or the toothbrush in the bathroom that hasn't been touched. And this morning, it was like we were avoiding that one box of Christmas decorations that we know has the stockings in it. ...it wasn't just 'like' that...I know we were. We all knew we were. Everyone had something else they 'should' or 'had' to do; we didn't have time to decorate the living area today. We didn't have time to open that box.

People keep asking me what I want for Christmas. Friends. Family. Random, stupid people on the street who ask me if there really is anything more a "girl like me" could want or have.

Yes. There is. ... you won't find it in a store or on the internet. But it's all I want.

It's all I'm asking for.

Have Mercy on the Turkey

So, it's Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving anyone who's ...reading this. I dunno!

But yes, it is Thanksgiving. Turkey Day. Stuff-Yourself-Till-You-Nearly-Puke Day. Whatever you prefer to call it. Alfred's been in the kitchen all morning, Barry sped by and practically forced food into Bruce's arms (then ran away before he could reject it) and even Clark stopped by trying to get us to accept some of his family's secret stuffing. Bruce wouldn't take it, but I'm pretty sure I saw Diana and Clark sneaking it in through an open window while I was walking to my car.

I'm beginning to think that our friends are catching on that no one in this household can cook except Alfred. And in some stroke of pity for him, they're trying to make his work load lighter. ....I suddenly feel really bad.

So that's one thing to be beyond thankful for. Alfred. Thank you, Alfred for not only cooking for us, but for all the other endless things you do around the manor. ...cleaning, taking care of us when we're sick, bringing us ice cream when we feel down, and just magically appearing from nowhere when we need you most. ...Bruce isn't Batman, you are.

Among all the food getting dropped off, Lune also came by. I'd invited her over 'cause I didn't want her Thanksgiving to be spent alone at the tower with Fina (she never goes home for any of the holidays). Gar was ecstatic to see her because that meant he'd have a video game buddy for the day. Alfred normally bans him from the kitchen because he'll try eating at least one of everything before dinner.

I stopped by the barn to help the staff finish up for the afternoon so they could go home to their families, gave Khon some Thanksgiving carrots and apples and headed back.

The rest of the day was a bit uneventful. We ate, visited, listened to Diana's plans for Christmas and Gar chatter about the list he's already preparing for 'Santa'. Lune and I briefly discussed decoration plans for Fourside and possibly seeing if we could get Tiff and Fina to join our family for Christmas...it'd be better for Tiff, though, having Fina along might not be better for us. She did burn down the Fourside tree last year.

Anyway, it's night now. Ace is snuggled up in bed with me and it's nice to have him here beside me. It's been a quiet, but good Thanksgiving. Though I have this ongoing fear that Bruce and I are going to have to go patrolling later tonight anyway. Cell phone's near by in case he pages me.

It's Been One of Those Days

Coming up for titles for these blogs takes more time than they're worth.

Ugh, but that could just be the bad day talking. Should I start from the beginning? ...well, you guys already know the beginning, I guess. The muffins and the bad tasting and the general failure of it all. Well, the failure didn't entirely end there. I guess is a way of putting it.

School was just a general pain. Exhaustion from last night carried over throughout the day and I often found myself being poked in the back by Delahni's pencil. At least she was keeping me awake. Dick and Jordan have been asking me all sorts of questions for the school newspaper...something about my opinion on the math club. I..don't remember being in the math club, but, okay guys. But, the overall worst part of the day was realizing I'd forgotten my flash-drive at home, and that had my English paper on it. I shouldn't have been lazy last night and just printed it out while I was still awake. So, now I have to explain that to Bruce. Fabulous.

After school, Alfred picked me up and we went straight to the Enterprises. Learned a couple of interesting things from Roxanne's department again (including getting an upgrade on my alloy when the other workers weren't looking) and talking to her is a lot of fun, regardless of her countless bounds of clumsiness. I can relate with that on some ends, though. She's very sweet, and Gar, of course, loves her. He was at the Enterprises, too. And even though Bruce gives off that Gar annoys him around the office, I know he likes it. ...it's probably nice for him to have a younger guy around the office ...especially right now.

Um. But things were okay until I got to West Tower tonight. The teams and just Titans in general were having another meet. I made sure I got myself some coffee at work and even refilled my thermos, so, I was awake. Victor was awake. Karen was awake. Heck, everyone was awake and paying thorough attention to the meeting for the most part.

...except. One. Person.

I don't understand what Roy's problem has been lately. ...well, first of all I don't understand what his problem is in general, but I'm going to digress from that. ...I don't even think he was mentally in the room tonight--and we were going over important information in the city he's supposed to be helping protect. And, what is he doing?

Staring off into space, with his arms and head on the table. Glaring at anyone who dares address him.

Normally Garth at least taps him on the shoulder and that brings his attention back to the discussion, but I could have sworn he actually growled at him this time. ...ugh, but whatever. We got through with the meeting. At least Karen and Garth got the information they needed and hopefully Karen will pound it into Roy the moment they get back to Steel City.

Anyway, I should probably stop now. Gar keeps pestering me to pay attention to our movie...he thought it'd be fun to watch "Spirited Away" tonight with Diana and Bruce. ...didn't work out too well with Bruce, surprise surprise, but, Diana's watching. So, I guess he won on some levels. ...mn, and I guess he deserves a bit more credit....he's been trying awful hard to keep our spirits up for a while now. I owe him more than...frankly even I know.

But yeah. Movie time. Gonna shut up now.

That's Different

Haha, so, I got up this morning to--obviously--get some form of food. There was that weird smell in the air where you know something is going down in the kitchen, but, you're a bit nervous about finding out what.

It was--again--a strange surprise to see Gar and Diana in the kitchen. First of all, seeing Diana in the kitchen cooking something is never good--though Bruce is worse; no one in my family can cook worth a hill of beans. I don't know what it is, exactly. But anyway, I hadn't even gotten three feet across the marble floor when Gar announced that he and Diana were inventing a new muffin.

The blueberry-chocolate chip-banana nut-pumpkin muffin.

I feel kind of bad now, because I laughed. Then I realized he was being completely serious. ...oops.

So the muffins came out of the oven. Burned; courtesy a-la Diana. Once we cracked the layer of crust off and managed to eat the actual muffin...well, we'll just say that the combination of flavors did not work well together at all. Ace even ran out of the room with his tail between his legs. I guess this is a bit of a sign that we need to continue to allow Alfred to man the kitchen. And I'm lucky Lune's around to cook for us back at Fourside. Fina burns anything you put in front of her and Tiff...burns herself.

I guess it's a perk of being vegetarian. Most of your food is best served raw.

Typical

Haha, look at me. Joining the crowd these days and getting a blog like any other 'celebrity', if you even want to call me that. But you know how it goes.

But I was bored and Gar over there has been bugging me about getting one of these things and, admittedly, yeah, I have been considering getting one for some time now. But watch, I'll probably only update or even remember I have it on those nights when coffee's actually having an effect on me and I find myself hopelessly bored and hyper. I forget small things like this easily; especially when there's so much other crap I have to worry about already...school, my 'internship' (if you will), and, of course, making sure the city of Gotham doesn't blow itself up. Not to mention Stone City and Jump City and Steel City and...wherever else I'm needed or called to.

And, because Gar says, hang out with friends here and there in between.

...I don't really know what else to say, except that I walked in on Gar and Alfred singing that "Do, a deer, a female deer" song this morning. It was not only a strange experience, but, one I happily won't soon forget.

It's a strange and normally stressful life, but. It's mine.