Rain

So I'm going to go ahead and put it on the table--if you haven't figured it out already--that I'm not very good with people.

The next several days were possibly some of the most awkward and uncomfortable days I've ever experienced. Have you ever tried holding a conversation when you have absolutely no idea what to talk about? Yeah. Pretty freaking awkward.

May 3rd was terrible. Gar talked for the first half of the day and then suddenly looked at me after he finished his third story. It took a good several seconds for me to realize that he wanted me to take a turn talking for once. To make things worse, I caught Roy peering at me through the corner of his eyes when I stammered for something to talk about. I decided to take Gar's route and try talking about what I did earlier that day. ....God, I hated it.

The next day wasn't much better. Gar, once again, more or less forced me to get involved in the story-telling and I tried talking about some of the new horses we have at the barn...which, was a little easier if not just because I could drone on and on about my horses for hours, regardless if anyone's honestly listening to me or not. ...however...

By the 7th, the end of the week, Dinah said she wanted to spend some time with Roy on Saturday. That maybe getting him out of the apartment for a while would ease the withdrawl symptoms. So we didn't visit. Instead, I wound up doing some extra work with Cyborg in the Titans West Tower to make sure the new additions to the security systems were up and running. And that's when he showed up.

I was carrying some various hardware to the computer when out of the usual blue, Wally's suddenly all of 4 inches from my face asking me what I'm doing. Despite that I should be used to this by now, I still sprang backwards, just about tripped on my cape and full-on landed on the hardware boxes...if he hadn't caught me. The save came with a complementary eyebrow waggle and wide grin...cocky speedsters.

After he'd gotten his answer from me, he followed me down the hall and surprisingly didn't beat around the bush about his next question. He wanted to know if I had seen Roy recently. He hadn't spoken to him for a long time and Roy wasn't answering his phone and he was getting really worried, because none of their other friends had seen high or tail of him, either. I didn't really know what to say, because I was pretty sure Roy didn't want...anyone else knowing about what was going on. But Wally deserved some kind of solid, truthful answer...they were close friends from what I had always observed.

I told him yes, I knew where Roy was, but I couldn't tell him. That he was going through a rough patch and wanted to be left alone...but that he was safe and hopefully would be back soon. This, understandably, worried Wally...but thankfully he seemed to accept what I'd said. ...he probably understands Roy better than I do and knows this might be normal behavior for him? I don't know.

Either way, he made me promise to tell Roy he was sorry for whatever was going on and that he misses him and hopes he gets through it. And that he has his number if he needs another person to talk to.

...the next day, I repeated the it to Roy just before Gar and I left. He didn't react at first, but...midway through redelivering the message, he looked at me. Maybe I was just seeing things or looking too hard for something, but...I could have sworn I saw his eyes cloud slightly. I waited for him to respond with something snarky like he usually does when I try talking to him, but he just sort of nodded and stood up, teetering into the hall.

...I couldn't stop thinking about it. Had I just made things worse, again? ...crap.

"Cloudy, with a Chance of ..."

The morning of May 2nd was probably one of the most unnerving mornings I had had in a while. I remember waking up and being drained of thought for a few minutes. I couldn't remember when I had fallen asleep. I couldn't remember what had last happened in the book I had fallen asleep reading--or if I had even been reading at all. And I couldn't remember what had happened the previous day. It took a moment for the sack of bricks to hit me. And the second it did, it felt like my heart skipped a beat all together.

I had kicked down a big barrier yesterday. And today, I was going to have to face the opposing side without it.

Cue the "oh crap" chorus.

Breakfast didn't exactly help, much. I must have been even the slightest off key because Bruce suddenly brought down the "what's wrong?" hammer. I'm not sure how I managed to weasel out with a simple "nothing, I'm just tired"...maybe he just wasn't in the mood to argue with me over anything. Or maybe he just didn't have the energy to question me back. I don't know. Either way, that was weight enough off my shoulders.

...Roy threw it right back on when he was the one who answered the door instead of Dinah.

It threw me off guard. Of course. That's probably what he wanted to do. I probably looked like a complete idiot standing there with my mouth open while Gar threw his arms up and expressed his excitement that Roy had, well, bothered answering the door.

...'bothered'....

The visit was the same, but different, all at once. The tension that had always seemed to float around the room was still there, but it wasn't anything like it had been. Instead of constantly staring off into space while Gar was talking, sometimes Roy would look at us. At me. Then resume staring off. It was always just a turn of the eyes; he never moved or tilted his head. He seemed more focused instead of blatantly ignoring us. I don't know which I preferred more.

As the day wrapped up, the usual speaking points remained; Gar did all the talking while Roy and I remained silent as mice. It wasn't until Gar closed up his story and saluted Roy a good day as we stood to make our exit that Harper suddenly turned his head, looking in my direction but not making eye contact.

He bluntly asked if I meant what I said yesterday. It took a second, but I nodded and said that I had. He stared at me for another moment before snorting and looking away. As if bringing the subject back up hadn't made me go tense enough; I immediately fired a sharp "what?" at him. He shortly replied "just leave", and before I could say anything back, Gar had my arm and was dragging me for the door. ...probably for the best.

...but it continued to eat at me on the drive home. I couldn't stop analyzing the scene in my head, trying to remember every movement and twitch of an expression on his face when he had received my answer. What the heck did that head-shake mean? ...I didn't expect him to believe me, I guess, but. I don't know. It was getting under my skin. To the point that I found myself asking Gar what he thought about it. Gar already seemed to have a better grasp on this entire situation than I did. I wonder if that's just him and his people talents or the simple fact that he's got some animalistic 6th sense that was part of his power-package deal.

Either way, I still got the "obviously" look after I asked him.

"You didn't change anything today, Casper," he replied simply. "Yeah, you said you were sorry yesterday. And I know that's a big step for you and all, but...he needs more than that. You didn't treat him any different. You didn't talk to him--dude, you hardly even looked at him. ...I thought you of all people would know that you can't just go around saying things...y'gotta do them, too..."

...needless to say, that more or less shut me up for the rest of the drive home.

When Gar's right, he ...couldn't be more right. Sometimes it can be unsettling. Especially when you're resistant to what is...well, right. ...this process was going to have to be a two person job. Roy wasn't going to get any better if I didn't start contributing more than the minimum. His faith in anyone--let alone himself--had pretty much taken a nose dive. ...tomorrow was a new day and another chance to try turning that around...for real, this time...

No Signs of Letting Up

Picking this up once more.

So, back to May 1st. April had been a rough month, it goes far without saying. I remember one of my first thoughts getting up that morning was the cliche of "new month, new start" or something of the sort. And it was off to an okay start... no reporters on our doorstep. Bruce was in a relatively decent mood. And school went smooth, all things considered. Delahni already finished the first half of her final project for AP Art. As usual it was absolutely breath-taking and, as usual, Jordan was busy trying to find the best way to photograph it for documentation or...something.

I waited around for Gar before we headed to Dinah's. And...suddenly I felt....--I don't want to say 'scared', necessarily, but, it was weird. I was definitely nervous, I don't know what of. The worst he could do was.......overdose. ................

I don't remember most of the drive. I just remember that the moment Dinah opened the door my mouth went dry. ...I'm not good at apologizing. I never have been. I guess it's because a good chunk of the time I don't think I have a reason to apologize. So when I actually do have a reason, getting off my high horse is...intimidating. I kind of like it up there.

Especially when it comes to apologizing to someone I don't think deserves it...

Gar did his usual thing. Chattering and going on about his day. Roy didn't say anything...he was in a worse mood than he had been the past week. I guess I don't blame him since his withdrawl had undoubtedly worsened over the past two days. He looked like a wreck. A very angry wreck.

All the while Gar talked, I just sat there in my chair, picking at my nail-polish and keeping my eyes focused on anything that wasn't breathing. I couldn't hear anything Gar was saying; all I could think about was what I was going to say. And I had to say it before the two of us left. How was I going to start it? Should I just come out and say it and leave before he has the chance to respond? Should I beat around the bush at the risk of him getting irritated and we get in an argument all over again? ...I didn't want to screw the situation over further than I had already managed to do...or thought I had. Or...uhgh.

Unfortunately, instead of time crawling by like it usually does, it decided to make like a cheetah and sprint. The next thing I knew, Gar was standing up and starting to dismiss us. Now my mind started going a mile a minute as I absently stood up, letting him grab my hand and tug me away from the couch. Crap, say something. Gar called a good-bye over his shoulder to which Roy just snorted at. Say something. I remember him tugging the door open and immediately whipping myself around to face the living room again.

I'm pretty sure I blurted out "I'm sorry I yelled at you" like some panicked person. Roy actually turned his head to look back at me...I couldn't read his expression very well, but I'd say it was..confused. I remember opening my mouth to try explaining myself, but... I suddenly realized I had no control over this situation anymore. I had not only stepped off my horse, but let it run away. No amount of explaining could bring it back. The realization brought my brain to a stop and I could feel myself heating up again.

It was at that point I gave into the primal instinct of "flight or fight" and all but ran out of the apartment. I dove into the car and drove for the manor as quickly as I legally could. Half-way home I realized that I had left Gar behind in my rush to escape the sudden rush of vulnerability. Half of me felt horrible and almost backtracked to get him, but I remembered that he could easily fly back and...settled on that.

...I remember spending the rest of the evening over-thinking everything. Wondering if I should go back or not. Wondering if I actually had been a source of his problems. Wondering what the heck was going through his mind at this very moment. Then I'd kick myself for being so anxious over everything. It was ridiculous, why was I so worried? I never gave a crap over what he thought about me before. ...but, then again, I've...never apologized to him before--for anything. Even when I'd be wrong back on missions we'd be on together, I never admitted it...never wanted to give him the satisfaction. ...

Once again, I think I've explained enough for one day. I'll get back to you.

When it Rains, it Pours

So, where was I the other night? Oh yeah. Roy's change in moods.

Alright, nearly a week after I showed my face on Dinah's doorstep--putting us on April 28th--Gar and I came by again. Dinah wasn't home, but she had left us a note on the doormat telling us to find the key and let ourselves in (we're Phantom and Beast Boy, wasn't that hard) and the time she'd be getting back. There were also strict instructions to continue taking it easy on Harper, which...I'm sure were more written for me rather than Gar. We let ourselves in and were immediately slapped by one of the most unnerving things you'll ever find in a household.

Absolute silence.

I don't care where you live or how many people you live with. There's something eerie about entering a completely quiet house; especially when someone is supposed to be there. No television background sound. No radio or music playing. No sounds of rummaging through food in the kitchen. No water running. It's just as bad as hearing things when no one is supposed to be there. And stepping into that apartment to the soul sound of the door swinging open made my body go still. I even instinctualy held my breath to try hearing something.

Gar and I quickly moved through the first half of the apartment, searching the kitchen area and the living room before moving down the hall. That's when the smell hit me. And all I could think was: God, not again, he can't be serious.

But. He was. No sooner had we shoved the door open, had he tried shoving a drawer in his desk shut. Yeah, Harper. That's going to work. That's really going to work.

...I won't go into much detail on what happened next. If not mostly because it was 90% yelling, 5% moving around the room and 5% freaking out when he almost passed out on us. We moved him to the couch, called Dinah and searched his room like it was a crime scene. I don't know HOW he managed to keep another stash of the poison hidden, but...then again, when you work in this business, it IS possible to learn from the people you're hunting, busting and putting behind bars. And considering he GOT the crap from one of those people, well.

Dinah got back and we left almost immediately. I think she might have taken him to the hospital. I don't know. After his near pass-out he seemed...alright. But honestly I wasn't really paying attention to that...I was too angry.

Over the next two days, all I could think about was that he went back to it. I couldn't believe he went back to it. Here I thought he was making some kind of process, but no. ...and ..then it hit me. He probably HAD been making progress...and then I yelled at him. Told him that I wished I had left him back there. He wasn't worth the strain right now and I had more important things to be dealing with than him.

And I'd said that after Ollie had literally punched him out of the house. After he'd more or less given up on himself and Gar and I had basically made ourselves his only support. After I had promised him I'd help him fight his way out of this. And after God knows what caused him to get addicted to the stuff in the first place.

...God, I felt like such an idiot. ..idiot putting it lightly. Very lightly. I wasn't helping Roy with his addiction; if anything I was giving him all the more reason to give into it. Nice, Raven. Real nice...

The next day, I stopped Gar from leaving the manor and told him we needed to visit Roy and Dinah again. ...it was about time I apologized...sincerely.

.... I think that's enough for one night. I'll get back to you guys tomorrow.

Storm Front

I apologize for not having posted anything in...God, two months. A whole two months. Possibly longer, I've been really bad at keeping track of things, but, you don't need me to tell you that. Things have been, for a lack of a better word, 'chaotic'. Although, when living a life like mine, what more can you expect...I guess.

Anyway...I don't even know where to begin. "At the beginning" comes to mind first, but, I don't even know where THAT beginning is. ...I guess I could just pick up where I left off, but even that seems incredibly and unnecessarily difficult to explain. ...geeze.

I'll do my best. ...--and I'm not going to dump everything that happened over the past few months into one post. No, I'll be breaking it up over the course of the next few days...so, I guess I'll just write until I think I've reached a decent stopping point.

On April 22nd, two days after my last post, I finally did go with Gar to check on Roy. So, that'd put six days between that day and the last time I saw him. Almost a week...admittedly it felt like a lot longer. It was ...frankly a bit embarrassing, showing up on Dinah's doorstep at last. I don't know if she really thought anything of it, but hopefully she couldn't see the heat I felt rush to my face.

Seeing Roy again was another flood of that entirely.

He was sitting on the couch watching TV when we walked in. The moment he saw me, it was like his blood went cold. And not in fearful way as the phrase usually describes...in a hostile way. I could see it flash through his eyes clear as crystal. ....we were off to a good start.

Gar did almost all the talking. He dragged me into the living room and sat me down in the arm chair, sitting himself on the coffee table that was both in front and between us. Then he started talking about his day and all the things he'd done, but, to be honest I ...kind of tuned him out. I was too busy trying to read Roy, or make eye contact with him or ...something. But he wouldn't look away from the TV. Wouldn't acknowledge us. It was all I could do to keep from fidgeting with something. I don't know HOW Gar just barrels through the awkwardness and tension, but he does it well. I'd never realized how jealous of that I was until this moment.

We got through the visit. I didn't say anything and Roy didn't say anything. I think Dinah just kind of loomed around the kitchen for most of the time, but, I knew she was eavesdropping. ...who wouldn't be? ... but. It finally got to late enough for us to leave and I guess Gar ran out of stories. ...amazing, I know. Um.

The car ride home was silent for a long time. For a while all I could think about was how relieved I was to be free of that room, that tension and the soup-thick awkwardness of it all. ...I didn't notice until I had to take a right turn that Gar had been giving me an unusual steady stare...

I asked him what it was and he bluntly stated that I never apologized. It took a moment for the sentence to register before I was able to stutter out a short "...so?". Probably shouldn't have said that.

He just shook his head and looked away from me. Almost immediately, that tension from before returned and the rest of the drive home was a complete deja vu from the afternoon six days ago. We got back to the mansion and went our separate ways.

The next few days didn't go much differently. We'd show up and Roy'd be about as lively as a corpse. But almost a week later, we ...found out a good chunk of the reason why.

...and I hate to be a tease about that, but, I think this entry's gone long enough. I'll fill you in tomorrow.