Why Can't I Hear Music Play?

...mn.

So, I won't lie. This year the Thanksgiving and Christmas festivities have been and are going to be...hard. And not just on me, but, on Bruce and Diana as well. And I can tell that Gar's having a hard time, too, even though he's not really showing it. I guess I'll stop beating around the bush and just come out and..say it.

This is our first holiday season without Jason.

...and ...for me, at least, it feels..wrong. It feels wrong to...I don't know. Enjoy myself, I guess?

Maybe that's why Thanksgiving felt so quiet. Maybe that's why Bruce was unusually cold with Clark. And maybe that's another reason why our friends were bringing us food.

It's been almost a year since he was taken away from us. Not near enough time for healing. Or for memories to fade enough so that you can live past them or among them. I keep catching myself thinking things like "Jason would have responded with" or "he would have done that differently" and I don't want to look at things that cause me to think that way.

I don't know. I feel ...numb. To everything right now. I wake up in the morning and I can smell that signature scent that the heater gives off...and I don't feel the warmth. I can see the lights and decorations, but I don't get the excitement. I can hear the Christmas music, but I can't absorb the joy.

I can feel it in everyone else, too.

The kitchen's been especially quiet in the mornings. No one really talks or...interacts with each other. We've all slipped into a rut. Like we're trying to ignore that empty seat at the table, even though we all look at it. Like we're trying to forget the vacant room at the end of the hall or the toothbrush in the bathroom that hasn't been touched. And this morning, it was like we were avoiding that one box of Christmas decorations that we know has the stockings in it. ...it wasn't just 'like' that...I know we were. We all knew we were. Everyone had something else they 'should' or 'had' to do; we didn't have time to decorate the living area today. We didn't have time to open that box.

People keep asking me what I want for Christmas. Friends. Family. Random, stupid people on the street who ask me if there really is anything more a "girl like me" could want or have.

Yes. There is. ... you won't find it in a store or on the internet. But it's all I want.

It's all I'm asking for.