Amazing How One Thing Can Trigger Something

You ever had one of those moments where...right when you're exhausted. Packing it in. Closing down your windows and making one last round of checks through all the websites you're active on, you stumble upon a link somewhere else and find yourself helplessly engrossed for the next several hours, regardless of how heavy your eyelids become?


Mn. That happened to me last night.


I was double-checking my facebook messages because Delahni's been not-very-subtly reminding me to do so since she's about to send out specifics on the times and date of her big Christmas bash. And I happened to come across a 'like'-link that Tiff had had liked that started with: "Think about this: The person you are going to marry is walking the Earth at this very second...." 


Being the curious and always unsatisfied-with-an-unfinished-thought kind of person that I am, I clicked the link to read the rest of it: "That thought alone should give you hope to continue each and every day, knowing someone, somewhere, is completely in love with you, even if you both don't know it yet." 


It wasn't really until I had finished reading the statement that I realized it had brought me to a different website rather than just a facebook page to 'like'. I was on a website called "Six Billion Secrets". Curious, I went to the home page. It's a website that's designed like "My Life is Average" but...for secrets. To be anonymously exposed to the readers. 


What came over me was...unexplainable. I couldn't stop scrolling down the pages, clicking to the next one and before I knew it, I had been sitting in the dark, reading through this website for nearly an hour and a half. And just after I had realized that, I realized I had been crying. I don't know how long I'd been crying or what started it, really. But just... it was unexplainable. 


All these people, these... hidden or ignored emotions. Some just questioning themselves or wishing they had friends who cared and others considering suicide. I found myself paranoid...afraid that someone I knew might be posting their secrets here--or that I might be that friend who's 'too busy' or who obliviously says something that beats them down inside. 


There was one secret posted about how the people who smile and laugh the most are the people hurting the most...and they know because that's how they live. All I could think about was Gar, or...Wally. They're both always so cheerful, so happy and so busy trying to cheer up people like me. And no one--me--thinks twice about how they might be trying to hide something. They've done so much for their friends--for me, even... I want to hug them both the moment I see one of them, whether it's later today or tomorrow or even in the week. I already worry so much about losing Gar, seeing him being taken away from me... I don't know.


The depression I've been under for the past few months...well, for a while now. It's resurfaced again. On top of now being worried about my friends' emotional states, I'm beginning to worry that Jason may have died heavy hearted...unresolved...scared and alone. The last thing I said to him was "be careful" as he ran off to rescue his mother, against Bruce's orders. I should have not only had the gull to stop him, but...I wish I had said something else other than something so stupid and painfully obvious. I ... I don't know. 


This morning I stopped by Starbucks to pick up some coffee for myself and a few of Bruce's co-workers and I passed a card shop. For whatever reason I wandered inside and found a simple Christmas card and bought it. The card sat at my desk all morning. I didn't really look at it or do anything to it. Roxanne asked if it was for someone special and I just laughed and told her I didn't know yet. When lunch hour rolled around I suddenly found myself writing in it. Writing to Jason, apologizing and telling him how much we all miss him and...it was like my mind went blank and my hand just took over. I filled up the card and even wrote on the back of it, jammed it into an envelope and without thinking, I found myself marching out of Wayne Enterprises and down the street. I didn't stop until I'd reached the cemetery...a good walk's away. I really don't even remember walking there. I left the envelope carefully tucked under his tombstone. 


It was only after I had stepped back that I realized I'd forgotten my coat and that it was absolutely freezing. ...but I just couldn't leave.


I'm not sure how long I was out there, but Alfred eventually showed up, placed a coat over my shoulders and took me home. And...now I'm here. 


I don't really know how I feel right now...if I'm just numb from the cold or just...numb. I'll have to get back to you later, blog...thing. I suddenly just want to curl up on my bed with Ace and stare into the ceiling. I need a moment of warmth, silence and thought.